It's like a contest!

VOGEL LEGACY: generation 2, edition 1

2009-06-10T19:28:51Z

It's been a week since the release of Sims 3, so let's celebrate the fact that my computer is a piece of shit and cannot even handle Sims 2 without overheating!

Last time, I decided to be cruel and leave you with a cliff hanger. How did Sabine age?

Pretty well, actually. She looks a lot like Alice.

Please don't be fooled by this picture. Alice has not calmed down. She now spends her days following Scott around the house and interacting with him until she passes out.

Someone (ie GODDAMN EVERYONE) was bitching about not having a car, so here's the heirmobile. Just like the Popemobile, only with less bullet-proof material!

Yes, Sabine, we get it - you're great at skilling at getting promotions, but remember...

NOT EVEN YOU ARE INVINCIBLE!

YAY BABIES

I quickly had Sabine and Jörg marry before either one of them changed their minds.

Well, SOMEONE'S indecisive, isn't she?

For all of Sabine's amazingness, she's actually pretty boring. Apparently nothing happened for a few hours, and now she's really pregnant.

Alice is still up to her old tricks.

Pretty self-explanitory.

At some point, I decided to make Sabine write a novel. Here's her plot outline.

Meanwhile, Scott finished his novel. See picture for further details.

Scott may or may not be a closet Harry Potter fan.

Sabine pops, the dog hates Scott, Jörg resumes his usual habit of staring at random objects around the house.

Uh, Sabine, what's wrong with your eyes?

No, I mean, REALLY?

Sabine: Uh, A LITTLE HELP OVER HERE?

Sabine: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Alice: *secretly pleased with her daughter's suffering*

And we have a boy! His name is Carmine.

Okay, I'm about the last person on the planet to discover these baby toys, but THEY ARE AWESOME.

As you can see, Alice's parenting skills have not improved too much.

OLD PEOPLE SEX. (seriously, they cannot keep their hands off each other.)

Well...that's not quite the problem, Scott, but I'll give you credit for trying.

Here is the prettiest version of this house. Take note of it, because I ended up needing to expand and now it looks ugly. :(

Jörg: So, what's gonna happen when you die? Are you going to become a ghost? Do Sabine and I get the house to ourselves?

Scott: You'll get the house over my dead body...which is NEVER HAPPENING.

Alice: Hey, this topless guy has a crush on me! High five!!

Eventually, it's time for Carmine's birthday...

He looks a little weird but not entirely hopeless!

CARMINE VOGEL
Sloppy: 6
Shy: 10
Lazy: 10
Serious: 3
Grouchy: 3

Sabine begins to recognize the world of trouble she's gotten herself into.

YOU'RE ALREADY SITTING ON THE BLANKET, DIPSHIT.

Scott is still the handyman. At least he's useful in his old age?

Aaaand the second kid is on the way!

HOW DOES THE KOI POND CATCH FIRE?!

Carmine is a creepy fucker. I mean, let's get a close-up on that face.

Yeah.

Jörg begins to crumble under pressure. It is around this time that he becomes obsessed with the guitar. (you know - the typical sim thing where they'll play for hours upon hours upon hours until they're on their deathbed? that.)

You guys don't even own a high chair.

Carmine: VOGEL! VOGEL!
Alice: This is fucking boring.

Alice: Now THIS is what I'm talking about!

...hold on. Wait a second. A sim family that is...taking care of children? And...helping one another take care of these children?

My computer is more fucked than I thought.

Carmine: HELP ME, GRANDMA'S A SLUT!

Sabine gives birth! Please note that Alice is not concerned by this development and continues to play chess by herself.

Sabine: OH GODDDDD
Scott: OH WOW
Jörg: OH WHY
Alice: lol.

And just as quickly as the excitement escalated...it crashes.

A second boy - with red hair and blue eyes - named Ryland!

Carmine: Uh, what? I didn't ask for any siblings. I don't need you guys. Fuck this.

Carmine: I'M TIRED HELP MEEEEEEEEE

Here's where the house started getting uglier.

Jörg: No, I do not want to play doctor with you.

Alice starts the heir portrait...

...which turns out infinitely better this time.

Soon enough, it's time for Ryland's birthday.

...excuse me?

It also turned out to be Carmine's birthday, so we had two celebrations. I forgot how much fun doing 564756465 birthday cakes in a row was.

Ryland! He's an early favorite because he has Alice's nose and Jörg's red hair. I've never had a ginger heir before!

RYLAND VOGEL
Sloppy: 3
Shy: 7
Lazy: 10
Serious: 6
Grouchy: 3

And Carmine, who definitely grew into his features.

...dude, you've never even met him.

Apparently, I had a funny caption for this when I uploaded these pictures two weeks ago. TOO BAD I DON'T REMEMBER WHAT IT WAS.

Jörg: No no, when I said that I wouldn't play doctor with you, I meant that I'm not into role playing. I would most definitely tap that.
Scott: *oblivious*

...okay, this one was never supposed to have a caption, I just thought it was funny for some reason. :\

Since the dog was pretty old and boring, I figured that I'd introduce a new member to the family.

Meet THOR!

I did not change Thor's name. Thor's name was Thor in the adoption screen. For some reason, the name Thor made me laugh, and everyime he walked on screen, I would announec (in real life) "THOOOOOOOOR!"

I am not sure why I just voluntarily confessed this one the internet, but there you have it.

Sabine: Now, wasn't learning how to do your homework fun?
Carmine: ...are you fucking kidding me?

Yes, I have been playing this game for three years. No, I still cannot believe this happens EVERYDAY.

Evidently, THOR and Willow do not get along.

THOR then blocked the entrance to the only pet bed in the house, forcing poor elderly Willow to sleep outside.

GOD, I LOVE THOR.

I...I have nothing.

What is with the Vogels sitting on this bed and daydreaming about sims they've never met?!

Carmine got an A+ and brought a friend home from school.

Friend: OH SHIT, THE VOGEL HOUSE. I WOULD RATHER SET MYSELF ON FIRE THAN HANG OUT...oh, wow, how convenient!

Please note how no one is concerned about the young boy setting himself on fire in the front yard.

This seems like a pretty good place to end this update, so I will leave you with one final picture of Thor:

(THOOOOOOOOOOOOOR!)

Next update soon - I'm actually about two days away from generation three in game haha.

VOGEL LEGACY: generation 1, edition 3

2009-05-17T05:54:58Z

OH SHIT I AM FINALLY DONE WITH SCHOOL SO IT'S TIME FOR AN UPDATE.

When we last left off, Scott had recently discovered that Alice was fucking everyone in town. How has this affected the Vogels' home life?

Alice is largely unphased because she forces Scott to sleep on the couch.

You know, as much as I love Alice, I really feel bad for Scott :(

The next morning...

Scott: I am so sorry I got mad at you for fucking my co-worker.

...WHAT.

Alice: I forgive you.

Scott: Oh, thank god!

Alice: In fact, here, have this flower!
Scott: Oh wow!

...really?

Scott: I love you.

...yes. All of it. Really.

I suppose it makes sense. As you can see, they truly are perfect for each other.

Willow: Are you aware that you're rolling in my--
Wolf: WHEEEEEEE
Willow: Funny you should say that, since that is EXACTLY what you're rolling in.

Scott: MY DOG IS IN MY WAY. HELP ME.
Scene Maid: *ignores*

Hatty McRedhead: You want to make out with me? Well, I'd be willing to do more than that, but I kind of have this fantasy...
Alice: Oh? What's that?

Hatty McRedhead: Well, I would start by putting on my robe and my wizard hat...
Alice: ...

Sabine does this every time she returns home from work. I want to punch her pixelated little face.

I desperately want the Vogels to adopt this cat for no reason. I don't remember what its name was either. Actually, I forget why I wanted them to adopt the cat in the first place, but apparently, THAT WAS ONE SICK CAT.

Connor: Oh, what's this stray cat doing on the floor? I'll put it where it belongs.

Goddamnit, Connor.

Okay, I had NEVER seen this animation before and HOW FUCKING ADORABLE. I took like 345436 screen shots, but I will only make you look at this one.

I had some kind of "looking for recipes while growing pot because Alice got hungry after she smoked it" joke here, but then I realized it would take entirely too long to artfully word that joke, so you get this bullshit caption instead.

NO, SABINE, ELLIOT IS ACTUALLY NOT IN YOUR WAY. SHUT UP.

Here's an exciting picture of all the kids as teens SKILLING. This is too exciting. Please hold me.

Sabine: HELP, THIS DOG TOY THAT IS BEHIND ME IS IN MY WAY.

I WONDER WHAT HAPPENS NEXT

Sabine kept rolling the want to enter a dance contest, so I sent her to that hobby lot...

And it was instantly awkward.

The participants tried to ignore it, dance, and have a good time...but ultimately...they could not ignore what was right in front of them.

The awkward black face DJ.

I mean...seriously...what the fuck is wrong with my game D:

I decided to let Sabine try her hand at romance. She got along pretty well with this guy, but not that well.

Which means that now would be as good a time as ever to announce that Sabine is the heir!

The other kids are thrilled.

Sabine got along with this guy MUCH better. I forget what his name was before I decided to change my game's language, but now is name is Jörg.

Like mother, like daughter.

Scene Maid: FUCK YOU, SCOTT VOGEL.

Alice: FUCK YOU, SCENE MAID.
Elliot: GODDAMNIT.
Scott: You noticed me! You finally noticed me!!
Scene Maid: *pretends to ignore*

Sabine and Jörg went on a wonderfully classy date downtown, where they proceded to stuff their faces like pigs. (I hate neat sims, so their blatant lack of manners pleased me.)

Yaaaay, awkward teen/adult first kiss animations!!

Let's leave our heir alone for a few moments to check on how our founders are doing.

Oh, Alice! Up to your usual doings, I see! [insert canned laughter]

Scott completed his lifetime want!

Now, remember that wonderful outfit he donned the first time we met him?

His new LTW was just too perfect, so I immediately made him enter the dance career track.

For some reason, I remember there being an option to sell the plants. This time, I could not find that option, so now the Vogels have this ridiculous plant occupying some corner of their living room.

If the Vogels are good at one thing, it's earning mad money so that they can live in a proper house and not a legacy shack.

Alice: I am going to spy on my daughter and her boyfriend because he is hot as hell.

...yes. Keep doing that, Alice.

There has been a frightening influx of painted torso men in this neighborhood.

Jörg: Holy shit, I'm making out with a hot high schooler.
Sabine: I really hope I can find the keys to the chastity belt, like, ASAP.

Alice: I AM VERY CONCERNED ABOUT THE STATE OF OUR KOI POND.

...

Moving on.

Sabine: Let's play doctor ;) ;)
Jörg: ...how long did it take you to think of THAT?
comoshnana: A lot longer than it should have.

This is the point in which I changed my game's language, which has been an absolute delight for a language nerd such as myself, because now I get to see humorous commands like...

BABY MACHEN.

(in English, this is the "try for baby" prompt, which is a relatively mild way of phrasing "to have intercourse." "Baby machen" is quite literally "baby making," which is a lot funnier (and a bit more explicit) of a term, and...okay, I am done nerding out over language nuances now.)

Apparently, this was a follow-up picture to Sabine's terrible proposition.

Sabine: Oh! Hi, Dad! What...are you doing?
Scott: This is my goddamn room.

Sabine: Hey...uh, sorry about my dad...uh...
Jörg: Yeah, uh, I have to go...

And he left.

Alice, I let you have a lot of freedom in your life, but YOU ARE NOT HAVING SEX WITH YOUR KIDS' CLASSMATES. YOU ARE NOT LINDA HOGAN. CALM THE HELL DOWN.

Also, how the hell did the carpool driver pass a drivers' test?

Sabine paints a new portrait for Alice because the other one got corrupted somehow. This picture's shittiness will be shown in full at another time.

So, here's where changing the language of my game started to cause problems...

I thought I'd selected the option for Jörg and Sabine to get engaged...but then I accidently moved him in.

Naturally, it was off to the store to buy some new clothes.

Um.

I've NEVER seen sims get upset over a public woohoo before!! They usually cheer, but these guys were NOT HAPPY.

Here's Jörg post-makeover.

JÖRG HUFFMAN
Romance/Fortune
Sloppy: 2
Shy: 8
Lazy: 2
Serious: 6
Grouchy: 7
LTW: have twenty simoltaneous lovers (HA, YEAH RIGHT.)

At some point, Elliot cornered Alice in a bathroom and kept trying to start a fight with her. Okay?

ALICE, YOU ARE ABUSING ALL THE FREEDOM I LET YOU HAVE. STOP THAT.

Connor: Hey! I still live here! Remember?!

Let's all take one last, poorly-lit look at our beloved founder, because...

She is about to get OLD.

Alice actually makes a pretty hot grandma.

Elliot started annoying the fuck out of me, so I moved him out and made him take Connor with him.

Scott: What are you doing back here?
Jörg: I live here now.
Scott: ...I'm not too old to kick your ass, you know.

Oh, but Scott, you will be. Very soon, in fact.

Scott apparently transformed into Andy Warhol.

The morning after her first elderly woohoo, this was how Alice decided to celebrate her birthday. Good thing they live on a cul de sac, because GOD KNOWS WHAT THE NEIGHBORS WOULD SAY.

Here, you can see proof that Ulla the thief CONTINTUALLY CALLS THEIR HOUSE. Although, now that the boys have moved out, she is now willing to call any family member...so long as they are not home.

You know, Alice, the reason I bought that couch is so that you can sit on it. Go ahead. You'll be fine.

And this brings us up to Sabine's birthday...and I am going to do a REAL CLIFFHANGER THIS TIME!

That concludes this horridly disjointed update. Tune in next time for non-clone children!!

VOGEL LEGACY: generation 1, edition 2

2009-05-07T07:33:26Z

My goal for this update is to get it published before my dad wakes up for work and asks me why I am still awake as the sun is rising :D

The last update brought us a truck load of missing images and boring children. How have things progressed for the Vogels?

Sabine: I think even aliens pay more attention to their children.
Alice: Why, you ungrateful little piece of--

LET'S SEE WHAT'S GOING ON WITH SCOTT, SHALL WE?

Scott: WHY MEEEEEEEEE

Since Scott's oceanography career requires that he earn 534135 mechanical points, most of his days are spent running around and fixing things.

Scott: I CAN'T TAKE THIS MUCH LONGER!

Scott: HELP MEEEEEEE
Scene Maid: *ignores*

Scott: WE HAD ROACHES WAAAAHHHH

...maybe we should go back to Alice.

Alice: These kids better not ask me to help them with their homework, so help me god.

Sabine: Hey, Mom, could you help me with this homework?
Alice: Uhh...yeah, sure...

Alice: I CAN'T BRING MYSELF TO DO THIS WAAAAHHHH

Scott: Don't worry, sweetie, I'll help you instead.
Elliot: *slowly loses mind*

Alice: So, how about you kids just grow up and get the fuck out of here?
Elliot: But...but..

Scott: And you just carry the one and add it to the tens column and...
Sabine: Maybe if I walk away REALLY QUIETLY, he won't notice.

...yeah.

Exterminator: Ew, I am not touching those roaches.

Meanwhile, Scott is up to his usual antics.

Scott: HELP! THIS BOTTLE IS IN THE WAY OF MY CHAIR!

Scott: COULD YOU PLEASE HELP ME? THIS BOTTLE IS IN MY WAY!
Scene Maid: *ignores*

Scott: I MEAN REALLY, THIS IS KIND OF WHY WE HIRED YOU.
Scene Maid: *ignores*

Scott: Fuck.

Despite his constant complaining about nothing, Scott is actually the GOOD parent. Alice spends most of her time on the phone with potential hook-ups. (Hey, that LTW isn't gonna fill itself.)

...what could this be?

Meet the Vogels' new puppy, Willow!!

(SPOILER: She's really boring.)

The twins' obsession with chess caused Sabine to earn all ten logic points before her teen years.

As mentioned before, Scott gets to play handyman constantly because these assholes break everything in the house.

Did I include a picture of Connor in the last update? I don't remember, so here's one of him being cute with Willow who...

...THAT'S A BAD WILLOW. WE DO NOT PEE ON THE CHILDREN.

I really wish there was a way to interact with the drivers because this lady is hot and needs to get in my legacy ASAP.

But wait...what's that going on in the background?

Working on that LTW, eh, Alice?

For some reason, all of my male sims find it attractive when Alice has romantic relations with other men. I'm not sure if they're confusing her with a porn star or what.

Meet Scott's weird coworker. More on him later. (LITERALLY on him - oops, I've said too much.)

But before that, Connor has a birthday!

And thank god he has a different hairstyle from his brother, or else I wouldn't be able to tell them apart.

Weird Coworker: I heard you want to woohoo with twenty different sims. Would you care to engage in sexual intercourse?

Alice: Well...how do you feel about wearing women's clothes? I've always wanted to fuck a crossdresser.
Weird Coworker: Right...um... *leaves*

WHO ARE YOU

Ulla the Thief: Oh fuck.

Hot Cop: *attacks!*
Ulla: Fuck.

Connor: Oh, wow, this girl-on-girl thing is nice.

Ulla: Oh really? Call me when you're older.

Ulla now calls the family at least once a day, asking to speak to every male member of the household.

Cue Alice missing the carpool AGAIN.

All because she had to fuck that guy...

...except then she GOT OUT OF BED AND WENT TO WORK...

...leaving that guy to sleep in her bed.

Oh Alice, you amaze me.

That's not a rocket, Sabine.

Here's a lovely group shot of the clone children. All cute, all genetically identical.

Scott decided to write a novel. I don't remember what I chose for his plotline, except that it made absolutely no sense.

See?! I told you they were identical!!

Alice works on FWB #2.

Willow aged and then went back to being boring.

TWINS BIRTHDAY

This minor interuption is brought to you by this special fellow. (SERIOUSLY. I thought I deleted all my townies/downtownies before I spawned new ones! Where the fuck did this kid come from?!)

Elliot proves he's his father's son by sporting a ballerina costume while working out.

Sabine! She rolled romance/family with a LTW of becoming a hall of famer.

And her less-interesting counterpart, Elliot. He rolled knowledge/romance with a LTW of becoming a professional party guest.

Willow decided to eat Connor's homework. First she pees on him, then the homework...what's next? CHEWING OFF A LIMB OR SOMETHING?

Connor: NO HOMEWORK! THANKS WILLOW!

Connor: Hey, Mom, just going to school. Later.

Alice: *makes out*
Elliot: OMFG SABINE, MOM IS CHEATING ON DAD!
Sabine: Dude, you're gonna miss the school bus.

So, in a rebellous act of defiance, Elliot ditched school and looked at porn instead.

JUST KIDDING! (about the rebellious part...he was definitely looking at porn.) Turns out the lot got glitched because I was fucking around with boolprop.

These are the floor plans for the new house. They really serve no real purpose other than I like looking at floor plans, so maybe you guys do too? No? I'm just a nerd? Okay then, well, moving on.

Sabine: ELLIOT IS IN MY WAY

Sure he is. Just keep telling yourself that.

Just because you maxed your body, creativity, AND logic skills as a child doesn't mean you're going to be good at fishing, bitch.

Alice and her hydroponic plant system that increases her creativity...yep.

*CUE THE WHITE RABBIT*

Anyway.

Look! The Vogels finally earned enough money to buy windows!! I was way excited!!!

Alice: What do you kids like to do, anyway? Do you drink? Should I buy you some beer?
Elliot: Uh...maybe?

Someone's friend from school stood here and watched Alice make out with the weird coworker for a REALLY long time.

Where was Scott during this?

Here.

And the kids?

Complaining about doing homework, of course.

I...don't know. My sims have been complimenting each others' sexiness forever, and I still find it hilarious EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

Alice, that happened ages ago. It didn't even happen on this lot. GET OVER IT.

3/20

OOPS!

Since Alice was busted anyway, I figured there was no harm in inviting the weird coworker over.

[insert kama sutra joke here]

4/20 (lol that's almost 420 lol)

CONNER HAS A BIRTHDAY!

WHICH MEANS IT'S TIME FOR A CLIFFHANGER!

(SPOILER: ALL THREE OF THE KIDS ARE CLONES)

I will now leave you with this picture of someone's hot friend from school creepin' on the weird coworker.

Classy.

Next time: the extremely inappropriate DJ, more random pictures of the house, the heir finds a spouse, I stupidly decide to switch my game's language and click on a bunch of wrong things. Stay tuned!

VOGEL LEGACY: generation 1, edition 1

2009-05-02T05:10:48Z

Please allow me to introduce you to our devious, self-absorbed, somewhat evil little bitch of a founder:

Alice Vogel
Romance/Knowledge
Sloppy: 3
Shy: 7
Lazy: 5
Serious: 5
Grouchy: 5
LTW: woohoo with twenty sims

This is Alice's shitty legacy shack. It's less shitty than most other beginner shacks because it's on a 4x4 lot because my computer smokes mad crack. I will not post a picture of the exterior because it looks like every other shitty beginner legacy shack. (In case you have never seen one, just imagine a rectange with a roof on it. Oh, and the cheapest door available.)

First things first: Alice loves the cock. This random townie does not have a cock; therefore, Alice is ANGRY.

I waited around for about a million years for a welcome wagon to show up, but they never showed up, so I sent her Downtown.

I wasn't too concerned because there are PLENTY OF FISH IN THE SEA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAokay.

Like this guy!

Or this guy!

Or...Conrad? (I thought I deleted all the Maxis townies, but apparently I missed a few? I don't know? My computer is on the verge of spontaneous combustion?)

Not you.

This man's beautiful ensemble immediately caught my attention.

I mean, those tights aren't keeping any secrets. (And from the looks of things, there aren't any secrets to be kept.)

Alice: I'd let you touch my money bags, if ya know what I mean.

Scott: ...what?

Alice: I mean, I'd let you dip your brush in my ink, IF YA KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
Scott: I don't know what you mean.
Alice: Oh fuck it, let's get something to eat.

Of COURSE you assholes both want lobster.

I wanted the date to go well, so I allowed Scott to get some lobster and got Alice a less expensive meal because she has no money.

Alice: Hey, this isn't too bad, wanna try some?
Scott: Um, excuse me? I'm eating lobster.

***FORESHADOWING***

You kids better appreciate that photobooth picture because you're never getting another one, seeing as my computer froze for FIVE MINUTES while the game generated that piece of shit.

(I am not bitter about my computer's slow march to death.)

I don't know why, but I laughed at that little leg kick for several minutes.

Alice asked Scott to move in. He vehemently refused and decided to stop being best friends with her.

However, they were still good enough friends to make out.

Alice: Listen, I'm really sorry I asked you to move in with me. It'll never happen again, I promise.

Scott: Really? Oh, well, that's okay then.

Alice: I really mean it. Look, I even got you this gift!

...little does Scott realize that the gift is his own dream date bouquet from the night before.

Re-gifting: because you care, but not that much.

CAN WE GET A HAND CHECK OVER HERE?

I have to admit, I admire Alice's determination. If my man was emitting green clouds of stench, I would not be forcably shoving my tongue down his throat.

Her determination paid off!

Hot.

Alice: I just wanted to show how much I value your friendship by giving you this beautiful ring.
Scott: Oh! Wait, this looks like an engagement ring.
Alice: What? Oh, don't be silly, I would never fool you into an engagement.

Alice: _...sucker.

Alright Scott, here's your oppertunity to hit and quit it and RUN THE FUCK AWAY WHILE YOU STILL CAN! GO GO GO

Alice: Hey, I found these neat rings in one of the cabinets. Let's wear them and see what happens!
Scott: Well, okay!

NO SCOTT

Alice: Wow, these look great, don't they? By the way, THANKS FOR MARRYING ME, BITCH.
Scott: ...wait. I get it now. Shit.

He added like §10K to the family.

Scott tries to look at the bright side of things - like unlimited public woohoo!

Scott: I feel much better now.
Clerk: YAY
Random townie: ALRIGHT
Unimpressed self sim: What, is sex in public places new or something?
Scott: You're just jealous because you're not getting any.
Unimpressed self sim: THAT IS NOT RELEVENT AND I'M STILL NOT IMPRESSED.

Mrs. Crumplebottom: PERVERTS *SLAP SLAP*
Unimpressed self sim: *approves*

As much as I loved those tights...they had to go.

Scott (Couderc) Vogel
Fortune/Popularity
Sloppy: 4
Shy: 7
Lazy: 8
Serious: 3
Grouchy: 3
LTW: become hand of poseidon

Scott: Hey, uh, I've been reconsidering this whole "love" thing.

Alice: What.

Scott: Don't get me wrong, I love you, but do you think we're moving a bit fast? I mean, I just met you yesterday, and now we're married. Could we possibly slow it down a little?

Alice: Oh, don't worry about it.
Scott: But--
Alice: If you ever question our relationship again, I'll kick you where the sun doesn't shine.

YES.

Well, that was fast. (Actually, my computer kept deleting/stopped saving pictures between various times when the game crashed...so yeah.)

Random dude: So...are you pregnant, or just fat?

I like to think I'm pretty open minded about most things, but this is one fetish I simply do not understand.

Blah blah lost pictures blah...

Alice: Uh, some assistance over here?

Scott: FUCK, NOW ALL THE MONEY FROM MY PROMOTION IS GOING TO OUR CHILD INSTEAD OF INSTALLING WINDOWS IN THIS GOD-FORSAKEN SHACK.

Baby!

Oh GODDAMNIT, YOU GUYS.

Babies! A boy (Elliot) and a girl (Sabine). They had idential coloring so I couldn't tell them apart as infants haha.

Alice: Okay, let's get one thing straight here, spawn. You all need to learn how to use a toilet because I am NOT changing your diapers.

No, seriously - I checked her queue and found this:

I equally love and hate Alice.

Scott: Come here and kiss me, baby.
Alice: Uh, do you remember what happened the last time we did this?

Fortunately, Scott was pretty good at parenting. If not, these kids would have died because Alice wanted nothing to do with either of them.

Alice: Okay, does someone else want this one? I've had enough.

This needs no explaination.

Doing a little too much coke, eh, Alice?

The twins had a birthday at some point.

(Actually, they had three birthdays because the game kept crashing and then the lot became glitchy and the kids refused to age! Fun!!)

Oh sure, you didn't care about showering when Alice would make out with your smelly self, but after figuring out her game, NOW you care about hygiene. (Also: get used to seeing this face.)

Here are what the twins look like! Half of Sabine's face is covered, but their facial structures are identical, so it doesn't really matter.

Elliot Vogel
Sloppy: 3
Shy: 7
Lazy: 8
Serious: 3
Grouchy: 5

Sabine Vogel
Sloppy: 3
Shy: 7
Lazy: 10
Serious: 3
Grouchy: 3

Alice: HELP I AM SUFFERING FROM MORNING SICKNESS BUT CANNOT PRY MY EYES AWAY FROM THE BLANK TELEVISION SCREEN

Hoping that the kids would be somewhat more functional than their parents, I tried to fulfill as many of their wants as possible. Here, the kids are learning to talk.

Let's get a close up on Alice's face.

Alice: This fucking sucks.

Someone takes after her mother, doesn't she?

Oh lord.

Here's a picture of the twins sleeping because between the crashing and the struggle to not have someone fall over and die, I don't have many pictures of their toddlerhood.

Alice: Um?

(she was very calm about labor.)

Scott: NOT AGAIN.

Is it a boy? Is it a girl?

Or is it a penguin?

(MY COMPUTER IS AWESOME.)

The child, of whom I have no pictures, was a boy named Connor.

Another gap in files brings us to the toddlers' birthday...and not a moment too soon because the older the children are, the less parenting Alice has to do avoid.

Clones! Pretty clones, but still clones.

Sabine gets great joy out of tormenting everyone around her.

Sabine: Hey, Mom? Isn't it Connor's birthday soon?
Alice: Fuck. I forgot.

This is the only picture I have of Connor lol. He's physically identical to his siblings anyway.

Connor Vogel
Sloppy: 4
Shy: 7
Lazy: 8
Serious: 6
Grouchy: 5

That's it for this update. I apologize for its shittiness. The next update will not be as jumpy because I managed to fix some of the issues with my game.

Until then, I will leave you with the twins in their stupid matching PJs because that's what the game gave me and I didn't feel like buying another set:

Until next time..!

OH SHI--

2009-05-01T03:27:35Z

DUN
DUN
DUUUUUUN

HUH

2008-10-12T04:16:52Z

not dead, still lazy, re-started playing, awkwardly lurking, quietly plotting, adverb verb, adverb verb.

semi-coherent version: things got, uh, hectic. yeah.

i'm debating starting something new or maybe continuing with the greenburgs. my only concern with that is my ever-shrinking amount of free disc space. (ye gods, the thing is having problems running sims 2, sims 3 is surely going to kill it. time to take over my parents' computer, i guess?)

bis spaeter?

UH.

2008-07-14T21:03:45Z

um.

not dead. not yet.

things have been a little...crazy.

yeah.

update soon-ish.

METZGER LEGACY: generation 1, edition 4

2008-06-29T23:05:19Z

So, last time, Roxanne was about to give birth.

It's a boy, Grant.

But wait, what's this? Roxanne is paying attention to her children? Perhaps things are turning around for the Metzgers.

Or perhaps not.

That night was August's birthday.

Yeah, definitely a clone.

Roxanne: Ugh, I am so sick of children. Where's Bonkers?

Bonkers: MAYBE IF THE FLOOR ABSORBS ME THEY WON'T SEE ME.

(I have no idea why that keeps happening to this cat.)

Bonkers: Goddamnit.

Steven: I feel that pearl necklaces degrade women. I mean, seriously? I'm supposed to win your affections with jewlery? I just don't understand why my girlfriend keeps asking for a pearl necklace during sex.

O.o

Roxanne: Good job on growing up, now you're slightly less annoying.

I forgot that when you install a new EP, all of your sims' needs are replenished, so I decided that now was a great time to get started on the heir portraits.

Well...honestly, I can't complain. I expected this much earlier in the legacy.

Steven and August were completely unphased.

And now, I present you with the first Metzger family painting...

I SUCK AT PORTRAITS.

Roxanne: I've been thinking. Bonkers seems so lonely and agitated all the time. Maybe getting another pet would help him.

Steven: Woman, are you crazy?

Steven: Pets cost money. We have no money. No pets.
Roxanne: But--
Steven: NO PETS.

Roxanne: I WANT A PET BUT CAN NO LONGER FEEL MY FINGERS DUE TO THE MASS AMOUNTS OF XANEX I HAVE BEEN EATING.

Uh.

Mr. Humble visits.

Here we can see Roxanne's parenting skills in action: Grant was ignored for so long that he fell asleep with a dirty diaper.

Seriously, I have never seen this level of ineptitude before.

And by "level of ineptitude," I mean YOU GUYS KILLED THE TOMATO PLANT. I didn't even know the plants were capable of dying!

After fixing some of the smaller failures in the house, more failure was added. I'd like to introduce you all to Ceiling Cat.

Back inside, it's time for Grant to become a toddler.

Roxanne: This is boring, can I go back to sleeping?

Faye clearly takes after her mother in attitude.

RUN, CEILING CAT! RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN!

Ceiling cat: Dude, I'm getting the fuck out of here while I still can.

Steven: OH CEILING CAT, YOU AND BONKERS ARE THE ONLY ONES WHO UNDERSTAND ME!
Ceiling Cat: Uh, help? Anyone?
Bonkers: You're on your own, girlfriend.

Uh...well, that's one way to litter train your cat.

Okay, I absolutely LOVE this activity table for the kids!

Uh, Faye?

Faye: HEY EVERYONE LOOK AT THIS SWEET AND TOTALLY ORIGINAL PICTURE I MADE

IDIOTS. YOU ARE ALL IDIOTS.

Ceiling cat ATE AUGUST'S HOMEWORK. I didn't know/forgot this was possible.

Grant: Potty training makes so much sense! I feel so accomplished!
Steven: I'm so proud of my son for learning how to use a toilet. I did a great job.
Roxanne: DUDE GUYS IT SMELLS LIKE SHIT IN HERE.

Faye is truly a perfect blend of her parents: her looks favor Steven but HOLY SHIT, SHE IS WHINY.

Ceiling Cat: Well, now that no one's looking... *lick lick lick lick*

Ceiling Cat: *lick lick* -- oh, god, this is embarrassing.

Steven: Honey, do you ever get the feeling that we're not alone?
Roxanne: You mean, like aliens?
Steven: No, I can't quite put my finger on it, but something's definitely not right.

The Metzgers finally had enough money to hire a maid. They got Remmington, who cannot resist Ceiling Cat.

This picture is solely to let you know that I am not making up this cat obsession. It is very, very real.

Faye and August kept rolling wants to have a water balloon fight, so I obliged them. This little display of family bonding actually destroyed August's fun meter...which also makes me question why August wouldn't stop rolling this want.

In other news, I haven't really figured out if I hate or love the Metzgers.

Grant: KITTY.
Bonkers: You will perish.

Grant: KITTY!
Ceiling Cat: OH FUCK WHY AREN'T THERE ANY CEILINGS FOR ME TO HIDE IN

While checking on the various family members, I noticed that August had an action in queue: "Laugh softly." Sure enough, I scrolled over and found him and Ceiling Cat giggling at Faye as she ate chili.

Right then.

As of yet, this is about the only interaction the cats have shared...then again, this is better than the old lolcats, who wanted nothing more than to murder each other. Perhaps I can finally has kittens?!

August: But I don't WANT TO fish, even if nature IS my ONE TRUE HOBBY!

Roxanne's stalker kept coming around, so I finally decided to introduce them.

Harold: Ever since that first time I saw you, I've totally been pitching a tent for you.

Harold's wife: Well, this is odd.

Blah blah blah Roxanne finally steps away from the cats for five minutes. I decided to have her ask what Harold wanted.

WELL THAT WASN'T FORWARD AT ALL.

Hey, as long as there are no additional babies from this affair, I don't care. I have all the little Metzger children I need.

As usual, Roxanne plays the part of cold-hearted bitch and Harold falls first.

Roxanne: I would totally like to be best friends with you.
Harold: My god, I love her.

Harold: Maybe...we can become...more than just best friends?
Roxanne: Ugh, you pig.
Harold: Oh, I think you like it.

Roxanne: Well, I hope your missle is equipped to sink my ship, if you know what I mean.

Harold: Oh, I know what you mean, baby. ;) ;) ;) ;)

Roxanne: I just wish I could meet more people to be BFFs with.
Harold: I'll...I'll be your BFF.

Harold: Hell, I'll even give you a pearl necklace.
Roxanne: Really? Steven would NEVER give me one of those!

Harold: Yes, I'm in!
Roxanne: Goodness he's...CEILING CAT! OH HOW I'VE MISSED YOU!
Ceiling Cat: Fuck this, I'm out of here.

For the love of god, Harold, PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER.

August is clearly the outcast of the family.

Neighbor: _{Fucking Metzgers.}
Roxanne: ???

Neighbor's son: Oh...hi dad.

Neighbor: We're going home, you're not allowed to hang out with this trash anymore. God, the whole neighborhood's gone to shit.

I adore that the neighbor actually came to their house and DRAGGED HIS SON HOME. Fan-fucking-tastic.

Grant becomes obsessed with singing nursery rhymes and tries to get everyone in sight to sing along with him.

I'm pretty sure that children shouldn't be playing with toxic chemicals at such a young age...but everyone else was asleep and the plants were sick, so here's to hoping Faye doesn't sprout a third eye or something.

Faye: FUCK THIS ONE TRUE HOBBY BULLSHIT I HATE BEEEEEEEEEEES!

Roxanne: Help! Help, Bonkers, I'm dying!
Bonkers: Fucking finally.

Bonkers: Uh, hello? Crazy bitch? Are you okay?

Roxanne: PSYCH! I AM OKAY, BONKERS!
Bonkers: Oh. Well. That's. Okay.

Roxanne: TA-DAAAA! YOU REALLY DO CARE, BONKERS!
Bonkers: Yeah, well, don't let it go to your head or anything. I still think you're crazy.

Ceiling Cat wants her MTV.

Could it be? The three Metzger children...CALMLY BONDING WITH ONE ANOTHER?

Alright, Faye, really, that's enough.

Roxanne: WHO'S MOMMY'S GOOD LITTLE CEILING CAT HUH?
Ceiling Cat: Lady, if you don't stop this shit, I'm going to be sick.
Roxanne: YOU'RE A GOOD LITTLE CEILING KITTY, AREN'T YOU?

Ceiling Cat keeps her word.

Wondeful, now Fay's picked up Roxanne's drinking habits.

BIRTHDAY MANIA

And because I'm feeling kind today, I won't even cliff-hang you guys.

Here's Grant...

And here's Faye, who rolled romance. I decided to roll her secondary aspiration, and she got popularity.

Will generation one finally end? Will any additional cats be driven to insanity? Check back to find out!

I HAVE NO IDEA WHY I JUST REALIZED THIS

2008-06-24T18:19:32Z

today, while looking at someone's blog, i realized something:

pete wentz looks like a sim.

PETE WENTZ

A SIM (CONRAD GREENBURG)

...well, not EXACTLY like conrad, of course. but i have seen many sims in other legacies that bear a strong resemblance to pete wentz, desipte the fact that they are not modeled after him.

in other words, i have no life.

PS: i had no idea what pete wentz looked like until about twenty minutes ago.

METZGER LEGACY: generation 1, edition 3

2008-06-20T20:37:23Z

Sorry about the slight delay!

When we last left off...uh, something happened. Anyway, in this first picture, I would just like to show you the constant state of disaster that the bathroom is in:

SERIOUSLY, YOU GUYS ARE DISGUSTING.

Unfortunately, the bathroom is going to stay this way because they have no money for a maid.

...because I bought them a second car.

What can I say, I have excellent money management skills.

Roxanne: Ugh, why the hell did I get pregnant again?

That's no way to solve your problems, Rox.

Well, what we can conclude from this is that beer = faster labor. Good to know for the future.

Steven: Oh, fuck, another one!

And it's a boy ~~clone of Faye~~ named August.

Roxanne: I need to make some fucking money. Any ideas? ... No, I already have a job, but I keep getting knocked up and I need an easier way...yeah, prostitution is probably out...rob a bank? Yeah. Yeah, I can try that. I don't know where the bank is, but I guess Cold Issue Clothing is just as good, right?

Roxanne: HEY GIMME ALL YO' MONEY!

Employee: What? No. GTFO.

Meanwhile, back at the house...

Faye: KITTY.
Bonkers: Can't...breathe...

Faye: KITTY.
Bonkers: No...kitty can't breathe...let me go...

Faye: I LOVE YOU KITTY.
Bonkers: Fuck my life.

Roxanne: Hmm, August seems to be emitting green clouds. Perhaps he's hungry?

She clearly fails at baby care, but what about toddler care?

Roxanne left some rotting newspapers to babysit Faye while she sits in the street.

After the rotting newspapers got bored, Roxanne sent the little mechanical skill toy to babysit.

Oh, she's got this "mother of the year" award in the bag.

She's also got "chef of the year" covered.

And where was little Faye while Roxanne was making burnt food?

Okay, now this is just getting ridiculous.

Roxanne: Oh Bonkers, I found some oregano in a baggy and I used it in my burnt chili and oh my goodness, I feel so much better about my life now and I love you and you're the only one in this house that understands me Bonkers. The ONLY ONE.
Bonkers: Baggy of oregano? What the...oh, FUCK, WOMAN, THAT WAS MY STASH. HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DEAL WITH YOU NOW?
Roxanne: I looooooove yoooouuu...oh boy, my legs feel numb.

...

Anyway.

Roxanne: Okay, August, I'll just put you to bed and...IS THAT CAKE I SMELL?!

God bless the munchies.

Our misguided heroine was correct though - Faye is about to age up!

Roxanne: CAAAAAAKE

Steven: YAY FAYE!
Roxanne: YAY CAKE!

Faye turns out to be a pretty cute kid.

Roxanne: Oh man, I have to WAIT for my cake? Oh man. Oh man, this is bad. Oh god, so numb.

Steven: YAY AUGUST!
Faye: YAY! _{God, Mom is a fucking lunatic.}

August is pretty cute. This may largely be due to the fact that HE IS A FUCKING CLONE because I forgot to randomize in CAS prior to his birth blah blah blah is there a patch to fix this anywhere?

Enough ranting, let's see how well Faye adjusted to childhood:

Super.

NO NO NO NO NO

So, while Roxanne and Steven are setting themselves up for more failure...

...Faye is playing with radioactive toilets...

...and August is practicing cannibalism.

Steven: GODDAMN I NEVER WOULD HAVE SIGNED UP FOR THIS SHIT IF I HAD KNOWN THIS MUCH INSANITY WOULD BE INCLUDED

YEAH, WELL, ME NEITHER.

Apparently, cleaning up the toddler potty reminds Steven of his sex life. This means it's either shitty in quality or content and...well, let's just hope it's the first one.

By the way, can we get a close-up on that facial expression?

Hot.

That garbage is from the contents of the toddler potty.

Soda cans? An entire box of ramen?

I don't even have a comment for this one.

To summarize, Steven's sex life is shitty (in some way, shape, or form), and he feels that his life is garbage.

I hate him.

Steven tries to forget his worries by going upstairs to watch some porn.

Steven also demonstrates his parenting skills by forcing his son's head through a flight of stairs.

Roxanne: THIS FOOD IS BETTER THAN SEX.

Seriously, Rox...if your food is tasting extra magical and you feel like your head is tingly, you should probably lay off the weed.

Just saying.

Well...at least the toilet's clean now.

Bonkers: I can't get to the litterbox through the wall? I don't understand...OH FUCK, THE STUPID IS SPREADING ISN'T IT

I know, Bonkers. We all know.

Faye: OH BONKERS, YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE--
Bonkers: ...who understands you, I know. NOW PUT ME DOWN.

Bonkers: You know, don't worry about it, kid. I feel bad for you about who your parents are.

FUCK YOU x 10^23

Here's a rare moment of sweetness and caring in the Metzger household. Cherish it, for it may never happen again.

Faye: OMFG IT'S RAINING...OMFG I'M STANDING THROUGH THE COUCH.
Neighbor: Maybe if I pretend hard enough, I can disappear.

Like mother, like daughter.

At some point, I remodeled the house and spent the rest of the Metzgers' money. Because, like I said, I have excellent money management skills.

Here's the upstairs. It's a loft-style bedroom for Steven and Roxanne. I like to pretend it's really fancy, but it's actually that way because I ran out of money to build the rest of the second story.

And the downstairs. Pretty standard.

I had temporarily moved the family into the street while I built the house. No, seriously:

Roxanne: I'M UNCOMFORTABLE.
Steven: I NEED A SHOWER.
Bonkers: FUCK THIS FAMILY, I'LL TAKE MY CHANCES WITH SATAN.

Oh yeah, I also built them a shitty pond so that they and fish and shit because they are broke as shit and don't have money for food or shit.

PS: shit.

Roxanne tests out the new couch.

Somehow, I don't think that fishing with a metal pole in a thunderstorm is a smart idea, but...ah, hell, go for it, Faye.

I hate all of you so much.

I've never seen sims sleep face-to-face before.

August: Bonkers.
Bonkers: Well, fuck, the kid actually calm. I'm impressed.

August: Hug.
Bonkers: Alright, be gentle, kid.

August: HUG.
Bonkers: NO NO NO TOO MUCH HUGGING LET ME GO

August: BONKERS KITTY *CHOMP*
Bonkers: I will kill you in your sleep. All of you. EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU, GODDAMNIT.

Bonkers: I'm fucking watching you, kid.

Steven: What do you think about aliens, Faye?
Faye: I think Mom might be one.

Table manners run in the family.

Alright, now, I've never tried this before, but I'm pretty sure that my father would not approve of me throwing a handful of salad at him.

Fucking weirdos.

Roxanne: Ugh, this parenting thing sucks.
Bonkers: *sleeps*

Roxanne: I know! Maybe I'll go play with Bonkers instead!
Bonkers: What? No, fuck this, I'd rather get eaten by wolves.

Wolf: O RLY

Bonkers: Fuck. My. Life.

Bonkers: Stupid wolf...I'll get him someday...

Bonkers: Fuck, walking is difficult...and yet I don't care...man, now I can see why Roxanne is always high...whoa, almost fell right on my face right there.

Komei meets his future wife.

I would love to see their children.

Steven: OH CHRIST NOT AGAIN.

...yeah, I somehow missed all the shots of Roxanne going into labor, so I couldn't even do a nice traditional cliffhanger right here. Instead, I will leave you with Faye's reaction to being blessed with more siblings.

Faye: What? Seriously?!

Faye: WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Uhh that's it for now. Tune in next time for things featuring FREETIME! Because I only just got it yesterday instead of...uh, whenever the hell it came out.

Yeah.

LIFE AND SHIT!

2008-06-20T03:41:52Z

yeah, i haven't died or anything, just been busy working and whatnot. unemployment was fun until i realized i was broke haha.

update will be soon, i have all the pictures uploaded to photobucket already. i'm currently clearing out disc space so that i can install freetime tonight. OH THE EXCITEMENT

METZGER LEGACY: generation 1, edition 2

2008-06-04T02:39:57Z

The last time we left Roxanne, she was failing horridly at woo-ing Steven. Will he forgive her for her pathetic attempts at flirting so that we can possibly have some children this generation?

Seems like he can deal with her ineptitude.

We take a short break from Roxanne's pathetic love life to admire her landscaping skills. Please gaze upon the lovely ditch, which is just a few squares down from the bouquet of roses. The roses are accented by a rotting newspaper. The golden money tree brings out the plaid on the couch. But, the final finishing touch is our darling founder reading the newspaper in her pajamas at 11AM.

Yes, quite lovely.

...

REDNECK REDNECK REDNECK REDNECK REDNECK

...anyway, I sent Roxanne and Steven on another date because he was actually able to tolerate her.

They still share a love for their hot neighbor.

Awww...

...ewww.

Roxanne: Eugh, this ISN'T FUN. I am NOT HAVING FUN. I want to HAVE SOME FUN.

(seriously, her fun meter bottoms out with incredible speed.)

Are you having fun NOW?

Yeah, I'd say they're having fun.

Roxanne: Ooh, wow. Um, yeah, you're hired.

...and so, Steven moves into the Metzger house.

I must say, he does not look like he minds living in sin with Roxanne.

STEVEN BAENA
LTW: Become hall of famer
Sagittarius
Sloppy: 2
Shy: 3
Lazy: 9
Serious: 7
Grouchy: 4

Because she finally has a TV, Roxanne can now get fitness points so that she can GET A DAMN PROMOTION AFTER FOUR DAYS AT THE SAME LEVEL.

Steven: Mmm, this salad tastes like sex.

With the money Steven brought in, I was finally able to expand the legacy ~~dump~~residence into a multi-level ~~shack~~house.

OH YAY.

(sidenote: they had to woohoo upward of five times before she finally got knocked up. I SWEAR, THIS GIRL FAILS AT EVERYTHING SHE DOES.

Steven: Hooooboy, if I keep this up, I'll have buns of steel in no time!
Roxanne: Whatever you say.

What's this?

Could it be...?

Yes, I CAVED AND GOT THEM A KITTEN. His name is Bonkers.

Bonkers: Oh shit, WHY DID YOU LET THIS WOMAN ADOPT ME?!

Bonkers: WHYYYYYYYY

This is all Roxanne does 90% of the time because she is eternally low on fun and comfort. She does, however, get great delight out of that old woman setting herself on fire.

Sadistic bitch.

And here begins the downward spiral as Roxanne decides to drink her problems away.

Okay, I hate picspam as much as the next person, but OMFG THIS IS SO CUTE.

Oh, what is it now?

OH.

Steven: I'm so glad you invited me to move in with you. I love you, honey.
Roxanne: ...

Steven: Uh, sweetie? Roxanne?
Roxanne: Huh? Oh, yeah, sure, right back at ya.

Steven: Baby, you don't really love me, do you?
Roxanne: Did you say something?
Steven: Oh god! Why? Why did I agree to this awful set-up?

Roxanne: I know! Probably because I'm the only woman in town who will willingly have sex with you!

Steven: No! That's not true! I'm sure lots of women want to have sex with me!
Roxanne: Sorry, but I actually asked around, and yeah...no.

Roxanne: But don't worry, you do mean something to me.
Steven: Really?
Roxanne: Yeah, you're the only sperm doner for me, pal. And just remember: I may cheat on you with other men, but I'll only carry YOUR children.
Steven: D:

Now that I've discovered the "salvage" feature (that's the real name of it, not whatever word I made up in the last update), I like to send Roxanne out to trash bin from time to time.

Random cat: What...are you...
Roxanne: DON'T JUDGE ME.
Random cat: ...crazy bitch.

Roxanne: Oh god, that was sticky.

Roxanne: Fuck my life.

Steven: Yeah! Roxanne will totally dig me now that I'm hot!!

...somehow I doubt that, Steve.

Continuation of the downward spiral: Roxanne starts raising plants that you can sell for lots of cash.

Apparently, these plants make you hungry and food tastes magical after you, um, enjoy these plants.

Roxanne: Oh Bonkers, you're my best friend in the WHOLE WORLD! DON'T EVER LET ANYONE TELL YOU OTHERWISE! Fuck, I'm hungry.

...right then, moving on.

For some reason, Bonkers tried to use the litterbox in the bathroom from outside of the house. He then complained for hours that the wall was in his way.

The stupid...it is multiplying.

Speaking of multiplying:

WE OFFICIALLY HAVE GENERATION TWO!

Steven: What was I thinking?! Oh god, I'M FUCKED! ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY FUCKED AHAHAHAHAHA!

Treasure this cute moment, readers, because IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.

I'd like you all to meet Faye Metzger.

You know how I told you to treasure the cute moment? I hope you treasured it to the best of your ability because immediately after giving birth to her first child, a beautiful baby girl, Roxanne rolled the want to...buy a new car.

But, you know what? Perhaps I was a bit hasty in that assumption. A car would be useful for parents with a young child. What if the baby needed something quickly? Waiting for a taxi would be very inconvenient.

And look at Roxanne. Sure, she may kind of suck at everything related to life (and life itself), but she and Steven seem to be such a good, responsible...

Never mind.

There is no hope for this child.

Steven starts failing at exercising...

...while his live-in sorta-friend-with-benefits magically gets fit from...driving the Beetle?

Well, I mean, who knows, if that thing doesn't have power steering, it's entirely possible that she's getting a good workout while driving to and from work.

Steven: Zzzz...yeah baby, you wanna take my order? Zzz...oh I'll serve you something, come here sugar...zzzzzz...
Roxanne: ...the fuck?

The Metzget-Baena family is definitely going to win the "parents of the year" award.

Roxanne: Ugh, doesn't this kid know I have to go watch the old lady set the kitchen on fire AGAIN? MY LIFE IS SOOOOOOO DIFFICULT.

This is really all Steven is good for: his beautiful genes and cleaning the house for Roxanne. Because, you know, she DOES have to tend to her "special plants."

CAT FIREWORKS WTF

Uh, I mean, Bonkers grew up! Yay!

Steven: Bonkers, you're the only one who understands me. My...whatever she is...is batshit crazy and I completely wasn't ready for fatherhood and OH YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE I CAN TALK TO ANYMORE BONKERS.
Bonkers: Get me the fuck out of here.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE TAKEN CARE OF THE CHILD YOU ACTUALLY HAVE NOW INSTEAD OF HAVING SEX, AND THEN YOU WOULD ONLY HAVE ONE CHILD AND NOT MULTIPLE CHILDREN.

Roxanne: Bonkers, I swear, you're the only one who gets me. Steven is a fucking idiot and my daughter won't shut up and CHRIST ALMIGHTY STEVEN ANSWER THE FUCKING PHONE.

Roxanne: Oh Bonkers, you're my only friend. You really really are. Who's a good little kitty? Could it be Bonkers? Yes! It is Bonkers! Bonkers is a GOOD LITTLE KITTY!
Bonkers: LAY OFF THE CATNIP, WOMAN.

And here is what will be the first of many birthday cakes.

I only recently contemplated this action and realized how violent it is to be tossing infants around the house.

...yeah.

And now I shall introduce you to the first child born into this highly dysfunctional household!

FAYE METZGER
Sagittarius
Sloppy: 3
Shy: 4
Lazy: 10
Serious: 10
Grouchy: 7

Bonkers: Oh god, they're reproducing.

Uhh, Bonkers?

You may want to consider running away.

Roxanne: These pancakes taste like shit.

That brings us to the end of this update. But first, did Roxanne's genius pass on to Faye?

...you're damn right it did.

That does it for now. Be sure to tune in next time for another exciting installment that is sure to be full of stupidity and failure in general.

METZGER LEGACY: generation 1, edition 1

2008-05-28T05:26:58Z

And now, without further ado...

I'd like to introduce you to our founder:

ROXANNE METZGER
Libra
Sloppy: 1
Shy: 8
Lazy: 2
Serious: 8
Grouchy: 6

She's a popularity sim who aspires to become captain hero. She's also a fucking idiot (and an idiot when it comes to fucking, but more about that later).

Here's the required picture of the depressing legacy founder's shack. I decided not to use any money cheats this time, so Roxanne really is stuck in this shithole.

But our little Roxanne didn't complain about her lack of two-story-house-with-attached-garage-and-hot-tub. Instead, she cheerfully broke out some bottles and started juggling in her kitchen/bedroom/living room. What a little trooper!

She even made a toaster pastry without setting the shack on fire! (I did spend what little money she had on a fire alarm. I AM NOT [that] STUPID.)

Because she was horrifically poor (she had §2 at one point), she decided to get a job. And what would you know - the first job in the paper was the one in her desired field of employment! Way to go, Roxanne, you don't have to put on the red light! (...wow.)

...however, a winrar != Roxanne because she is too damn poor to afford any exercise equipment and progress beyond an entry level position.

And thus, the fail begins.

Brandon: Wanna see what's under my kilt? ;)
Roxanne: DO NOT WANT

Offended by Brandon's forward-ness, Roxanne decided to visit the backyard to catch some butterflies.

Enjoy your win while you can, Rox, because IT'S ALL GOING AWAY SOON.

I felt bad for her because popularity sims want friends and without a phone, finding friends is rather difficult. So, I decided to cut some corners and get her a phone.

No, like, literally.

As you can see in this picture, the neighborhood welcoming committee showed up at the Metzger residence. Unfortunately, all of the sims there are user-created, so none of them are future husband material.

Konrad: DUURRRRRR, I'M ROXANNE, I'M ALL BITTER AND SHIT 'CAUSE I CAN'T FIND A HUSBAND HAHAHAHA
Roxanne: If you're going to mock my posture, at least do it properly. Ass.

Konrad: Here, is this better?
Roxanne: Slightly.

Growing bored of Konrad, Roxanne decided to devote her attention to the wolf.

Honestly? I think they'd have really great angry sex.

Seeing as there was no hope of future babies at home, I sent Roxanne downtown to score some body skill points...and possibly a spouce.

Apparently, you can't earn skill points on community lots. I wish I would have known about this before I listened to her bitch about working out for 834758 hours.

After working out ONCE, Roxanne decided that she was coordinated enough to use that...weird spinny thing.

FAIL.

I also recently discovered neighboring lots and clicked on one. I was delighted when the game asked me if I'd like to visit that lot. I was not delighted when I had to wait for the taxi to come so Roxanne could drive ONE BLOCK AWAY. Man, even I'm not that lazy.

Anyway.

Here is potential husband number one. What does Roxanne think?

Well my dear, I think the problem may be that you're checking him out THROUGH A WALL, but no worries. There are plenty of other men in this game who aren't that hideous DJ.

Because there was an astounding lack of attractive men out, I had Roxanne go fishing so that she could stop living off toaster pastries and lunch meat sandwiches.

FIRST TRY. I'm telling you, when she excells at something, she EXCELLS!

...and when she fails at something, she FAILS!

For some reason, her comfort level is always really low, so I had her chill out on her bed. You know, the one that's in her living room, where all her guests are having creepy interactions with each other.

Take this example: the lovely Genevieve hugs this man...

...and then begins admiring Konrad.

So THAT'S where her daughter learned to be a whore from!

Genevieve then decided to give Roxanne the stink eye...too bad she turned out looking more like Paris Hilton than anything else.

Roxanne got up to answer the phone...only to have this guy steal her chair AND her sandwich.

Dude: I'm so glad my son fathered your daughter's illegitimate child!
Genevieve: Oh, so THAT'S who the father was!
Konrad: ...

On a less whorish note, some ugly townie invited Roxanne to go downtown.

Because she is poor as fuck and had this in her wants, I sent Roxanne over to the DJ booth to work. (immature sidenote: the first time I tried typing that sentence, I typed "BJ booth" about three times. GOD WHERE IS MY MIND)

...

Roxanne: Hello, operator? Yes, I'd like to be connected to the police. I just saw a criminal...what kind of crime? Well, from the outfit, I'd guess he's a thief, but the real crime is his face.

NO. NO NO NO NO NO.

As Genevieve checks out that guy's package (I cannot remember his name for the life of me), he seems a bit pre-occupied with something else.

But what is so mystifying that it commands his attention?

Oh, god.

The next morning, Roxanne returns to befriending random animals.

This brings back strong memories of the lolcats. I really do miss the lolcats :(

At this point, I was mildly concerned that Roxanne was going to become a crazy cat lady, so I did some quick thinking and..

BAM! Lunch date with the hot guy in the snakeskin jacket.

Alright, there are several things wrong with this picture.
1. Snakeskin guy's face.
2. Roxanne's face.
3. That shit Rox has in her hand - what the fuck kind of lunchmeat sandwich is that?!

Snakeskin guy didn't mind her playfulness and actually went along with it. Could he possibly be the guy to get this legacy started?!

As soon as he left the house, Snakeskin guy called up Roxanne and asked her to go on an outing.

I haven't decided if this is cute or stalker-ish, but I made her go anyway.

Yeah, because getting arrested for statutory rape would be a great way to start the legacy off.

The outing was really lame, and someone kept complaining about it, so OBVIOUSLY the fun thing to do would be a GIANT GROUP SMUSTLE!

Except, I noticed something weird about the smustle. It was almost like everyone was...brainwashed....

But...who could be behind this thing?

Matthew: HAHAHA YOUR MINDS ARE MINE, FUCKERS!

O.o

The outing eventually ended and the complainer still thought it was lame. This didn't stop Roxanne and Matthew (finally remembered his name) from dancing!

Because things were going so swimmingly, I decided that this was THE time to ask Matthew what he thought of Roxanne.

FAIL.

As it turns out, they actually had negative chemistry.

Yeah, I know, awkward.

Mr. Big wasn't into the idea of investing in this legacy either.

At this point, I was convinced that the entire world had turned upside down.

Goth kid: Life is GREAT! I love sunlight SO MUCH! In fact, I think I'll head over to Abercrombie RIGHT NOW!

...and my assumptions were correct. Sometimes, it truly sucks to be right.

Moving on.

Roxanne: Yeah, my neighbor is an asshole, but he's really hot.

Steven: I totally know what you mean, he IS hot!

I...just...what?!

Roxanne and Steven got along pretty well, but once again, THEY HAD NO CHEMISTRY. God, my life.

Roxanne: Man, it's so nice to lounge outside on my couch and watch the grass grow...wait, I just admitted to having a couch on my front lawn. Does this make me a redneck?

No, but this might make you a bum.

(I never knew there was a "scavenge" option for the trash bin. THIS GAME IS FULL OF SURPRISES.)

She took a used toilet brush, which is probably covered in...toilet things, out of the trash bin...AND PUT IT INTO HER POCKET.

She made this face immediately after sticking the brush into her pants.

I laughed for a good five minutes at this because I am a fucking moron.

Yeah, I'd be pretty embarrassed too if I just stuck a filthy toilet brush fresh out of the trash can down my pants. Why don't you go relax on your couch that's in the front lawn? Then you can admire the nice mound of dirt and rotting newspaper.

YOU FUCKING REDNECK.

Anyway.

I suddenly remembered the money tree and quickly bought it before Roxanne failed at life any further and went into aspirational failure.

She invited Steven over again anyway, because at this point, neutral chemistry was better than negative chemistry.

SUCCESS. I will settle for fuck buddies over ~true love~ at this point.

Waitress: Can I take your orders?
Steven: Well, I'd like to eat Roxanne here ;)
Waitress: I'm pretty sure you can't eat people.
Steven: I'm pretty sure you can ;)
Waitress: I'm pretty sure this is a recycled joke.
comoshnana: I'm pretty sure I hate you.

...SO ANYWAY, I decided to bring the playful flirting to the table. Like, literally, I had Roxanne try to flirt with Steven at the dinner table.

FAIL
FAIL
FAIL
FAIL
FAIL
WHY CAN'T YOU DO ANYTHING RIGHT GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY

AND, with that, the first update of the Metzger legacy comes to an end. Will Steven come to his senses? Will Roxanne ever NOT fail at romance? Will she have to resort to artificial insemination in order for this legacy not to die out after ONE generation?!

We shall find out next time.

Until then, GOOD NIGHT!

HOLY SHIT GUYS

2008-05-27T07:21:48Z

I'M NOT DEAD. (honestly, i am surprised that people still check this thing.) i had mono, which is probably about as close as you can get to being dead without actually being dead (my one tonsil was so swollen that it was touching the ROOF OF MY MOUTH UGH)...but i digress.

anyway, yes, the greenburgs are still in existance...however, i am not sure if i will continue with them or not. the only thing stopping me is that since it's been so long since i last played that family, i feel like any updates i do with them will be really forced and awkward. i may go back to them at a later date, who knows.

now for some more uplifting news! i did decided to start a new legacy. i already have the first round of pictures done, i just need to get around to writing captions for them. it will probably be similar in format to the greenburg legacy (ie: picture/caption/picture/lame joke/over-used internet lingo/cat macro), just with different characters.

and don't worry, so far my founder is failing spectactularly at life.

...case in point.

i will go sleep now, but i'll write up the first entry within the next day or so.

so until then...later!

HOLY FUCKING SHIT.

2007-10-06T08:39:47Z

college is excellent at accomplishing the following things:
1. socialization with my peers.
2. raising my attendance level of parties.
3. holding classes that are interesting.
4. providing me with a comfortable mattress.

college is also excellent at:
1. causing illness (possibly from too much socialization and/or parties).
2. making me homesick.
3. holding classes with pretentious professors that i kind of want to slap upside the head.
4. taking away my sims time.

in short, no, i haven't died, although i did nothing but sleep for an entire week and felt slightly dead when i finally came out of a five day long dayquil-induced haze. apparently i have missed a lot, most notibly WHEN THE FUCK DID BON VOYAGE COME OUT? i'm too poor for this shiznat, lawl.

uh. i don't really know when the greenburgs will return, but they're still chilling on my hard drive. i might play this weekend if i get the chance. (see also: all the shit i missed during my dayquil coma)

but now, i am going to sleep because I CERTAINLY HAVE NOT DONE ENOUGH OF THAT YET.

OMFG LIFE

2007-07-31T00:38:23Z

i swear to [diety here] i will update this soon.

thank you for all of your comments. i really do appreciate them, and i do plan on finishing this legacy out (mostly just to prove that DAMNIT, I CAN ACHIEVE A GOAL FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE). i just unfortunately got the emo edition of sims that likes to try and off itself every time i actually make any sort of progress with the greenburgs. i would move them to a new lot, but HOT DAMN, it takes me hours (like, real life hours) to build houses, just because i am a damn perfectionist.

(only with sim houses, though. duct tape is more than enough to fix my car, and i have no problem sewing my own clothing back together with thread that does not even match the existing fabric.)

(and now that i've typed that, i feel so very small. and mismatched.)

BUT ENOUGH. because i am like THISCLOSE to actually finishing the legacy. so imma go do that now, k bitches?

(and i will address any questions and "where can i finds?" in the next update. i promise!)

GREENBURG LEGACY: generation 7, edition 3

2007-07-10T17:49:02Z

SO! When we had last left the Greenburgs, London just celebrated her birthday and was totally hot.

I gave her different hair and she was instantly hotter.

Adalia stopped by to say happy birthday.

Adalia: *HAUNT HAUNT HAUNT*
Emmy: Damn, I hope my boobs look that good when I'm dead.

Dancing: it are serious business.

...I hate you.

Mercedes: I'm gonna get you! *HIT*
Conrad: _{OH JESUS TOO LOW.}
Mercedes: ...sorry.

While Lucy is outside being a pedophile...

Remmington is cleaning the house. He looks like he's regretting taking over for Lucy.

And then, out of nowhere, Bailey died.

Sydney: DAMNIT GRANDMA, PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER.

Conrad: IT'S A DOG. ARGHHHH WHY AM I SURROUNDED BY WOMEN?!
Remmington: I'm still here.
Conrad: ...yeah, like I said.
Remmington: ...

Here is where this update starts to go downhill.

Sydney & Lucy: *KISSY KISSY*
Conrad: *SPIES*
Remmington: *STILL AWKWARD*

Conrad: Are you aware that our daughter is currently swapping spit with the maid?

Mercedes: Well, honey, I wasn't much older than Sydney when we first started dating.

Conrad: Yeah, I guess you're right. Maybe we should just sit back and let Syd make her own decisions.

Mercedes: I think that's a good idea. After all, we turned out perfectly fine, right? ;)

Conrad: Yeah, but you have to admit, it was so much hotter when you were jailbait.

Mercedes: ...uh.

DANCE PARTY!

Ricky: I make it rain.
London: Uh...haha?
Berlin: Goddamnit Ricky, that joke was old the first time you said it, and it's a shitty song to start with.

Ricky: Yeah, I guess you're--

Ricky: HOLY SHIT THERE'S TWO OF YOU?!?!? :D

Sydney: MMMMMMM comoshnana YOU SO FINE

comoshnana: DO NOT WANT JAILTIME

London: Look, it's snowing!
Berlin: Really?
Ricky: *enjoys view*

Way to go, self sim! You corrupt those Greenburg kids!

...

(Also, I have no idea why my hair randomly changed. Not like that is my main concern with this picture, but for the sake of consistancy, I thought I would make note.)

HEY MACARENA!

London makes the best faces. Half the fun of the game is randomly hitting pause to see what she looks like.

Sydney is the only one of the kids who plays in the tub :(

OH LUCY, WHY ARE YOU SUCH AN IDIOT?

!!! CREEP ALERT !!!

God, even shy little Lucy hits it & quits it.

Conrad: Uh...do I know you from somewhere?

Berlin: I think we should lock Sydney up in a cage for awhile. Or at least buy her a chastity belt.
Conrad: Why would you say that?
Berlin: Well, I mean, she flirts with everything in sight. Oh, and she's fucking the maid.
Conrad: :O

Could it be? Could this be the generation in which I finally welcome Ocean and his stupid name into the Greenburg family?!

She kept making this face even though they were having positive interactions, wtf.

WHAT

Seriously, this was the first time they had met. They weren't even friends, but when I had her say goodbye to him, THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED.

Grimmy came for Hunter. I just realized that he was not in this update at all. That is because he got really boring.

So boring, that no one realized he died.

Also, he left Mercedes no inheritance, lolz.

O.o

Mercedes: GOD YOU'RE JUST SO BEAUTIFUL THAT IT HURTS *sob*

There is so much love in this family!

Yes, they are gossipping about the neighbor's cat.

I guess this is why the kids tell secrets about wolves.

Ricky: I think you, me, and Meadow over here should have a three-way.
London: Ricky, what the fuck?! It was funny at first, now you're just creeping me out.

I remember seeing somewhere that Meadow looks better with black hair, so I decided to test the theory out.

hai beautiful

Everyone hates Ricky.

SO MUCH LOVE. Seriously.

And just when I thought things could get no weirder...

SYDNEY BROUGHT KASSSIDY HOME FROM WORK.

AHHH GTFO I HATE YOU

And then Meadow got glitched for a while:

I'M SURE RICKY WOULD LIKE TO WRITE IN HER DIARY IF YA KNOW WHAT I MEAN

...I don't even know what I mean.

Perhaps Meadow's hatred is not just limited to Ricky.

Sydney: I don't know, I'm just not ready to grow up.
Kassidy: Don't! You never have to grow up!

Another dance party, featuring Meadow on piano, the fat neighbor (aka: Shannon the town bicycle's dad), and Michael Jackson.

...I don't even know what to say about this one.

?! I totally missed when this happened.

The near-identical-ness astounds me. Aside from the eyes, the only difference I can detect is that London's eyebrows are slightly smaller.

London knows how to throw it down.

Whatever you say, babe.

Berlin: IT'S NOT FAIR THAT DAD GIVES YOU MONEY FOR YOUR SHITTY RAPS.
London: wtf?! I can't help it if I'm more gangsta than you!

(why is London always confused?)

Clones?

At this point in the update, I would like to introduce the latest Greenburg Family Gossip:

I have no idea how or why this happened, but at least it answers the inheritance question.

Okay, when I saw Conrad's face, I immediately thought of this:

Am I right? y/y?

The hatred between Emmy and Conrad is so great that these two literally can't go thirty seconds without trying to kill each other. I gave up on trying to stop it.

Remember what I said about London's faces?

This is exactly what I meant.

Oh great, another one that hates flirting.

STOP THAT RIGHT NOW

London: I SWEAR TO GOD, IF YOU CALL THE BAR OF GOLD A STICK OF BUTTER SO THAT YOU CAN MAKE A JOKE ABOUT THESE PANCAKES, I WILL STRAIGHT UP MURDER YOUR ASS.
comoshnana: ...what if I said they were GOLDen brown?
London: I hate you.

Awww...

...ew.

So, as soon as Conrad got food poisoning (from eating four-day-old lobster thermadore), London rolled the following want:

THAT IS YOUR OWN FATHER, YOU GREEDY WHORE.

So, obviously, I decided she was heir.

When she got back home, it was time to celebrate Conrad's birthday.

Say goodbye to your youth...

I...I don't know, I just thought it suited him.

Sydney's birthday was the same day!

Holy weird nasal structure, Batman.

And since she was not heir, I moved her out to start her own life of whorishness.

And thus ends this update.

I am out of witty things to say because I woke up way too early this morning. So enjoy and I'll see you next time!

GREENBURG LEGACY: generation 7, edition 2

2007-06-26T19:11:44Z

After only six weeks, I'm back!

(for now, anyway.)

When we last left the Greenburgs, London was just celebrating her birthday. Did Conrad's genes do us any favors?

Slightly awkward, but most toddlers are.

LONDON GREENBURG
Gemini
Sloppy: 2
Shy: 8
Lazy: 9
Serious: 6
Grouchy: 1

I thought this picture was really cute until I noticed that Bailey was channeling Kassidy.

Uhhh...

Where the hell are Sydney's parents? Did no one teach this child that diving head-first is one of the most unsafe things one can do in a pool? This is like, the first thing they teach you in swim class, right after "don't inhale while you're underwater."

Emmy is constantly in Mercedes and Conrad's bedroom. This might be because she and Conrad have the dreaded three bolts of attraction.

Sydney: If Mom and Dad have anymore kids, I swear to god I'm breaking out.

I am completely confident in saying that my parents would not have trusted me with gardening shears at that age.

Actually, I'm pretty sure they still wouldn't trust me with gardening shears.

Mercedes maxed all her skills!

Berlin: Did you see what the wolf did behind the couch?

(...seriously. they constantly told secrets about THE WOLF.)

Emmy: Talk to the hand, bitch.

A discussion of money bags right before woohoo.

There are simply too many inappropriate jokes I could make here.

I'm starting to believe that the ~sparkly~ seasons food is actually laced with something homegrown.

AND I'M NOT TALKIN' 'BOUT THE STRAWBERRIES!

Sydney's birthday!

THANK YOU CONRAD.

She rolled romance with a LTW of "have twenty simoltaneous lovers."

...yeah, sorry babe, you're not heir. The Greenburgs don't seem to have much success in the "I can keep a secret" department.

Berlin: OH MY GOD I SEE DEAD PEOPLE
Conrad: lol

Please note that Mercedes and Conrad are completely unphased that Sydney is pelting Berlin with food. At my house, the mere suggestion of pelting people with food is shunned, let alone the actual action.

(sidenote: you know the theory that when spaghetti is done, it sticks to the wall? it's true.)

I keep forgetting that he actually did meet Ramona. You had your chance, pal!

Fetch is apparently very serious business.

Not even ~~Doom music~~ Conrad's good looks can save this trainwreck of an outfit. That's a sexy bowtie, I must add.

And as tradition would have it, Sydney is truly awful at romance.

Everyone minus Sydney: HAPPY BIRTHDAY LONDON YAY
Sydney: I don't think Grandpa needs to eat anymore cake.

London as a child...with hair that makes her look really weird.

Sydney might not be good at getting ~hott guys~, but she's a decent tutor.

Mercedes: Ooohm...I hope I don't fall into the lake...ooohmmm...

Conrad: I know your grandmother smells like a dead fish, but we can't kill her.
London: I...never said anything...
Emmy: >:O !!!!!

Mercedes = Stewie?

Proof that the side ponytail was just awkward.

I believe this is the first time in the history of Sims 2 that a parent has actually paid attention to his/her child's good grades.

Mercedes completes her LTW! And what else would her new one be but "become criminal mastermind."

Sorry, you're going to have to be content with being the minister of education, whatever the hell that means.

Perhaps she should have kept the glasses.

Sydney: I'm really good at backrubs.
Mr. Ottomas: Yeah, uh, I don't feel like being jailed for statutory rape.

London: If you don't like Sydney, my other sister will be a teen in a few days!
Mr. Ottomas: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU KIDS

Berlin: I think it would be really hot to be "the other woman" in a relationship.
London: *fetal position*

SERIOUSLY why are all of my sims attracted to him?!

Mercedes tries to ignore the fact that her daughter is attracted to the king of the pornostache.

This is still the preferred method of family bonding.

This picture was taken over twenty-four hours after he came home with Hunter. I selected him with Insim and checked his needs...most of them were orange or yellow, but he just kept on playing the goddamn piano until I had someone kick him out.

Sydney: Grampa, you look pregnant.
Hunter: HAHAHA YOU'RE A RIOT. *grits teeth*

I don't know what Emmy's smoking that makes sleeping so much fun, but I want some.

Sydney sucks at romance and constantly talks about su...ch lovely things: it's like the return of Ramona.

Conrad achieves his LTW! His new one is to max all seven skills.

A bunch of the neighbors randomly came over and got into a huge fight. Good times.

London: What's up with Ben Stein? Seriously, those Clear Eyes commercials aren't funny.

Half the neighborhood shows up for Berlin's birthday.

I have absolutely nothing to say except I LOVE YOU CONRAD.

She rolled popularity with a LTW of reaching the top of the journalism field.

And now, I proudly present you with: Greenburg Family Gossip.

Mercedes: So, you know Conrad?
Emmy: You mean that asshole who is tragically attractive and won't sleep with me?

Mercedes: ...right. Well, apparently, he's having an affair.
Emmy: AND IT'S NOT WITH ME?

Mercedes: No! It's with my dead grandmother!
Emmy: Wait. You're telling me he's having an affair with Diane, who's dead, and he constantly dreams about Ramona, who is also dead?
Mercedes: ...yeah?
Emmy: ...I'm gonna go check the graveyard, brb.
Mercedes: ...ew.

Conrad: YAY SNOWMAN
Mailman: That Conrad Greenburg has a breath-taking heiny..

Mailman: I want to be friends with it.

This is what happens when you wear muscle tees while building snowmen.

Berlin gets way too into the video games.

And Conrad has finally had enough of Emmy constantly trying to sleep in the same bed as he's sleeping in.

HOMEWORK PARTY

Berlin: Congratulations on trying to have an affair with an ugly dude with a really bad moustache!

They're constantly spending time together, yet they're not best friends. I don't understand.

You know those sports moms who push their kids to be successful at athletics because they're trying to cover up their own insecurities and failures?

That's not the case here, London just got fat.

Maura: THIS ENTIRE FAMILY HAS GONE TO HELL SINCE I DIED.

Conrad completes his second LTW. I forget what the third one is, but I made him quit his job to complete it...and now I can't find whatever career he's supposed to be in, so he just sits at home all day and does nothing.

I love how they're making almost the exact same WTF?-face.

Emmy: HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME

(I laughed my ass off when I saw that she enjoyed being slapped in the face.)

We take a break from the violence to appreciate the remaining days of London's childhood.

London: I know we're both in the running for heir, but I think we should be friends.
Berlin: Hell no, this is fucking war.

Penguin: Yeah, so, then I went to the mall and...OH MY GOD YOU HAVE NO FACE.

Paradise by the...melting snowman. O.o

Emmy has some issues.

Mercedes got back! (I think she was complaining because I was making her flirt with Conrad. You know, her husband.)

We haven't had an obsessive piano player in a while, so I'll let it slide. Also, London doesn't do the Creepy Maddox Stare, so it's all good.

Oh god.

Sydney: Are you a criminal, baby? 'Cause you stole my heart!

Lucy: Someday, when I get rich, I wanna get a grill.

Emmy: I HATE CONRAD SO MUCH HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE
Conrad: HEEHEE

I would feel kind of bad that Lucy keeps getting played by all of my romance sims, but she's kind of an idiot for actually trusting the Greenburgs. (numerous cheaters, Maddox was creepy, Hannelore killed people, etc etc etc...)

And just for the record, Lucy fell first.

Neighbor: WHOA LESBIANS! But...she's underage. Damnit, I don't know whether to be aroused or disgusted.

This is funny not only because adult/teen animations don't match up, but also because, to quote Bon Jovi, your very first kiss was your first kiss goodbye.

I never knew winterwear was so attractive.

Emmy apparently kicked Conrad's ass at some point.

Sydney: Wow...this is really awkward.

Berlin: There's no way London's gonna be hotter than me.
London: I'm gonna be so much hotter than Berlin.

Alright, note to anyone doing a legacy challenge: GET THE GUY WITH THE SNAKESKIN JACKET IN YOUR LEGACY.

London rolled fortune with a LTW of earn §100K.

This is just to demonstrate that she and Berlin are nearly identical. (also: her eyes aren't really that scary, it's just the make up she has on.)

And that ends this update. I'm like, 90% sure London's going to be heir (never done that LTW and I've wanted the light blue eyes for a long time), but this family is batshit crazy and something CRAZY may happen to change my mind.

No, that's not foreshadowing, I only played like a day after London's birthday.

COME BACK SOON NOW, YA HEAR?

OMG LIFE

2007-06-24T19:08:55Z

hi.

i'm still alive, which may or may not be good news to some. i apologize for not updating for 938475 years. here is what my daily "to-do" list looks like nowadays:

1. work.
2. sleep.
3. friends.

it's true, those are the only things i do anymore. (...okay, listing my friends on a "to-do" list is probably inappropriate.) i forget to eat sometimes. oh, but i do keep up with the whole "personal hygiene" thing, or else i'd have no friends on my "to-do" list.

(OKAY SERIOUSLY, THAT JOKE WAS OLD BEFORE IT WAS TYPED.)

anyway, i actually miss the greenburgs. i'll try to update within the next few days because it could be exciting. or it could just be another lame caption legacy update with repetitive jokes about sexual intercourse and the occasional drug use.

TO ANY NEW READERS I'VE PICKED UP: welcome aboard :D

peace out bb

GREENBURG LEGACY: generation 7, edition 1

2007-05-17T04:29:20Z

HOLY SHIT I'M NOT DEAD

Somehow, I actually remembered that the last update ended with Mercedes going into labor. The real question at hand is why I remember this after a month of not playing Sims. The answer: I have no freakin' clue. My brain is a mystery.

(Also, please excuse any ridiculous typos as I am only using the light from the laptop screen and a tiny little lamp all the way across the room. The main light in this room blew out about four days ago, and quite frankly, I'm just too lazy to find another light bulb and remedy the situation.)

So, uh, yeah. Right then. Where were we?

Oh yeah, the first addition to generation eight. Meet Sydney!

It's times like this that I start thinking about doing an intelligence challenge. You know, breeding only for smart sims instead of idiots (like Mercedes) who can't figure out how to pick up their own children.

But then I remember that this is the Greenburg Legacy and We don't breed for intelligence ^TM.

Time for Mercedes to end her career as "professional jailbait."

And she STILL looks incredibly young. Poor girl, I know this problem all too well.

Emmy: I'm studying the Kama Sutra, but I don't really understand this one position. Can you help me out?
Conrad: ...no.

Well, I guess that's one way to keep a baby warm. Who dresses infants, anyway?

Hunter: HELP THE BABY IS CRYING AND I'M BURNING MY LOBSTER THERMADORE BECAUSE IT'S THE ONLY DAMN THING I COOK ANYMORE

Aveline tried to come to Sydney's rescue, but the ghosts would not allow this to happen.

Or this, either.

lol wut

Yeah, they woohoo'd once.

Sydney's birthday!

She's a bit awkward, but overall, not too shabby.

SYDNEY GREENBURG
Sagitarius
Sloppy: 3
Shy: 4
Lazy: 10
Serious: 10
Grouchy: 7

Yes, Emmy, I understand that your husband is all old and creepy and looks a little weird, but this doesn't mean it's alright to get in bed with your son-in-law.

And then...

WHAT THE FUCK

...no, really, what the fuck? How is Emmy not the one lying in a dead clump of pixels on the floor?

While poor Mercedes is having a heart attack, Emmy laughs in the face of death. Like, literally.

:D !!!!!!!!

As it turns out, someone scared Conrad to death (I don't remember who). This all happened while he was teaching Sydney how to walk. We can only hope that this doesn't affect Sydney too much...last thing we need is another Hannelore.

...okay, fine, this is nothing more than picspam.

BIG NEWS: MERCEDES AUTONOMOUSLY PRIMPED.

I got way more excited about this than I should have. Man, I miss Parker.

Conrad: Babe, I think you've put on a little weight.
Mercedes: ...I'm pregnant.
Conrad: Well, then that weight is perfectly normal since you're eating for two! Knock yourself out!
Mercedes: I'm about to knock YOU out.

Hunter threw a wedding anniversary party so that he could achieve his LTW. The party had once guest and it was Jan Tellerman. All they did was watch TV. In fact, Hunter went to work in the middle of the party.

They got a "good" score.

...what?

Conrad: YES! The maid's van is spotless!

Conrad: Awesome! Joliet was the last one to touch the Jetta!

Conrad: Wait, hold on, Joliet's dead. Is this thing broken?

Aveline moved out because she was boring.

Emmy seems to have developed a tendancy to stare in a very Maddox-esque manner.

FAIL

Bailey is honestly boring as all hell, but she's really sweet to the kids.

This conversation took place with some random little girl. Conrad is a great influence on kids, I swear.

Mercedes: You know, comoshnana was going to make a Kama Sutra joke right here, but then she realize that she had already used one at the beginning of the update!
Conrad: OMFG! You mean she's opting NOT to recycle a lame joke?!

Hunter: Are you and my whore daughter ever going to move out?

Please note that Emmy is still lurking in the background.

Welcome, Berlin!

Hunter has lost his damn marbles and forgotten the essentials of baby care. Like, oh, say, CHANGE THE DIAPER WHEN IT'S DIRTY.

Thankfully, the rest of Sydney's lessons were completed without any additional near-death experiences.

Updated Wall o' Heirs.

Sydney's birthday party was more like a pajama party.

(sidenote: what the hell is a pajama party? I don't think I've ever heard of one. At least not one that didn't include scantily-clad women and mass amounts of alcohol. And possibly a slip & slide.)

Sydney is still a tad awkward, but LOOK AT HOW I MATCHED HER HEADBAND TO HER SHIRT. LOOK LOOK LOOK.

Okay, I'm done being amazed at myself.

Sydney takes after her mother, apparently.

This are serious haunting.

The lolcats still hate each other.

Mercedes: Remember that time that you almost died and then I saved you and then we made out in the kitchen?
Conrad: ...yeah?
Mercedes: That was really hot.
Conrad: But I almost died--
Mercedes: Do me.
Conrad: Yes ma'am.

This is getting ridiculous.

Berlin's birthday!

Not too bad.

BERLIN GREENBURG
Virgo
Sloppy: 9
Shy: 2
Lazy: 9
Serious: 5
Grouchy: 1

Yes, Mercedes, you're pregnant. Apparently you and Conrad find birth control to be too difficult and time consuming.

Berlin: WTF WHY WON'T THIS WORK ARGHHHHHH

Conrad brought Skylar (generation three) home and I remembered how pretty she was.

Yeah, Hunter still does this everyday. And everyone still ignores him everyday.

Is it considered child labor if the child is learning valuable lessons about gardening?

Sydney: My stupid parents are too cheap to buy condoms and keep having babies.

Conrad tries his hand at painting.

Mercedes is the least annoying baby-swarmer of the bunch.

This would be cool except that these are, you know, her own kids.

Berlin dances in front of the radio at every chance possible.

Aside from the obvious problem of "Mercedes can't hear you, Sydney!" there is also the problem of "why the hell is Mercedes dreaming about Skylar's random boyfriend?"

(seriously, the things I remember will never actually help me in real life.)

GET UR GROOVE ON

Conrad ran into Khlaude at Cold Issue Clothing and I suddenly realized that they're nearly identical.

Lyk srsly.

Emmy tucked Sydney in...and then Sydney woke up and was very confused.

I don't blame her for being freaked out, I mean, she is related to Michael Jackson.

Yes, I still think this is adorable.

BABY (note that Conrad is still floating.)

Holy recessive genes, Batman!

We have ANOTHER girl, London.

INTERMISSION: hai i want ur jeens.

Mercedes: HAHAHA I'M HITTING YOU WITH PILLOWS
Conrad: LOL THIS IS FUN I'M GLAD I'M NOT DOING HOMEWORK OR SOMETHING
Sydney: YEAH THANKS GUYS

Mercedes: Congratulations on being hot!

Berlin's birthday!

Picspam because it's cute :)

Can we get a HELL YEAH for Conrad's genes?

Berlin: HAHAHA, I JUST TOTALLY KILLED EVERYONE ON YOUR TEAM.
Sydney: You idiot...

Sydney: WE'RE ON THE SAME GODDAMN TEAM.
Berlin: o lol.

I really hate three bolts of attraction. I really, really do.

I think Berlin is prettier than Sydney at this point...but then there is also the blue-eyed wonder that we must contend with...

Sydney and Berlin are practically inseperable.

Emmy: Look, honey! I caught my tenth fish today!
Hunter: Go to hell.
Emmy: What's that, dear?
Hunter: Very well! You're doing very well!

Conrad: Maybe if you wore make up, you wouldn't look so old.

Meanwhile, outside, Jack Torrance got into a fight with a wolf.

WOLF PARTY

The family is now obsessed with the pool.

A typical afternoon includes at least eight thousand games of Marco Polo.

And it's London's birthday! So you know what that means...

THE UPDATE ENDS.

I'm not totally sure when the next update will be as I haven't played in a few weeks now, but since school is over, I'm sure it won't take another entire month. At least I hope not. O.o

Enjoy!

POETRY

2007-05-02T16:01:08Z

here is a haiku.
i'm not dead (yet); however,
school's eating my soul.

the legacy will
make a return, i promise.
school is almost done.

now i must go and
begin my paper that is
due in six hours.

D:

GREENBURG LEGACY: generation 6, edition 3

2007-04-17T07:11:39Z

I just got Photoshop and am still messing around with my settings. Let me know if you think the graphics are improved or just complete and utter shit :D

I'm fairly sure that's a negative, Hunter.

Meet the new family pet, Bailey. She is not exciting.

Mercedes: Your face looks like it's composed to recyclable plastics.

Cut it out, you two, you're going to cause mass-cuteness-induced-vomitting among my readers!

Here's Bailey! Her torso looks a bit stretched out, but that's all I have to say on the matter.

_{LONG DOG IS LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG}

...damnit I TRIED.

Emmy is clearly the recipient of the Greenburg Family Winning At Life Award. Worst part? SHE'S NOT EVEN A TRUE GREENBURG. Oy vey.

Mercedes: DO NOT WANT

LAZER CHARGIN or filthy gossip? You decide.

Alright, really. I want to know how Emmy's managing to keep her boobies 1. inside that dress and 2. uplifted and under control like that. I have enough problems WITH a strapless bra, and I'll be damned if this woman isn't going commando.

Uhh...who let her babysit?

Kassidy: I never want to grow up! Let's be young forever!

O.o

Aveline's birthday!

Y hello thar hott stuff.

Her LTW is to max out all seven skills.

She and Mercedes really look alike, but I want a light-haired heir for a change, so Mercedes is declared the winner. (er...heiress, I guess.)

Emmy completed her LTW...she now gets to wear a space suit. Certainly not as hot, but at least now she won't catch a chill.

Speaking of things that are hot...

And while we are on the topic of hotness...

Aveline: I'm WAY hotter than my sister.
Conrad: You're BOTH jailbait, GTFO.

Conrad: You know, whorishness is only fun until it leads to BABIES.
Aveline: Ew. Diapers.

Haha, I love him already, monster eyebrows and all.

Mercedes: So...uh, do you wanna hang out sometime?
Conrad: You are invading my personal space.

Mercedes: Or, we could go bowling or something...
Conrad: Hands off, plz.

D:

He's one hell of a sneaky bastard.

Mercedes does not approve of this "playing hard to get" business.

Mercedes: I'm a high school teacher. I mean, I know I guess I should BE in high school, but I'm now teaching there. Cool, huh?

Conrad: School sucks, bitch.

I don't really know what's going on here, I just love how the men are completely and utterly confused.

I gave Mercedes a minor makeover because the long hair made her look about eight. Now she looks at least twelve.

I decided to switch around the Greenburg's cars. Here, we have the Porsche Of The Heir, accompanied by the BMW 7-series Of The Spouce Of The Heir.

And outside, the Jetta Of The Future Heir and the Hahaha, You Are Only The Spouce Of The Future Heir, So You Get This Oldass Saab.

If I were you, Aveline, I'd be more concerned about your wrist.

This happens at least once a day.

As does this.

lol @ Bailey

Wes finds Lucy to be attractive.

Can we get a close-up on his face?

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE TWINS

Not three seconds earlier, Wes was totally rockin' out to the piano. I don't get it.

WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA. ~~Lois, this is not my Batman cup.~~

Emmy: Congratulations on being rich!

Hunter: Can I tell you a secret about your grandmother?
Aveline: Yeah, sure, what?

Hunter: Well, your grandmother wasn't as honest as she appeared to be.
Aveline: I don't understand.

Hunter: She cheated on your grandfather.
Aveline: OH MY GOD! WHAT A SLUT!

You know, I even researched this one. The "have an affair" icon is a knife through two rings, while "caught having an affair" is a broken knife. Keeping that in mind, Diane kissed ONE guy. Mischa woohoo'd about six or seven different women during their marriage.

In conclusion: lol wut?

Wes: Man, why is it so warm in here?

There's your answer, Wes!

Kassidy: I'M GONNA FUCKING MURDER YOUR ASS
Wes: Oh, shit.

Eventually, I sent Mercedes and Conrad out on a date.

Mercedes: This is a really great picture of us!
Conrad: Yeah, it's also photographic evidence that I'm persuing an underage girl.

Well, Conrad, maybe you shouldn't mack on her in the middle of Red's Famous 50's Restaurant.

Mercedes: Did you know my Grandpa?
Conrad: Not really, why?

Mercedes: Well, you'll never guess who he WASN'T best friends with...

Mercedes: Our maid!
Conrad: Oh my god! I love my maid! I practically sleep with her!
Mercedes: What?!
Conrad: It's an, uh, expression.

Mercedes was not bothered by this at all.

Satan's lover's mom was, however.

I was just scrolling around the lot and noticed Aveline stark naked in the hot tub. Whatever suits you, I guess.

Conrad invited Mercedes out on a date twelve hours later.

This hostess is my hero. I can only dream of telling off our pissy customers...

Mercedes: I, uh, got you something... ;)
Conrad: OMGOSH!! Wut is it?!

He accepted, of course.

Mercedes: [love love love love love]
Conrad: [hot ass young girl hot ass young girl hot ass young girl]
Employee: OMFG I HATE LOVE AND MEN AND WOMEN AND I'M JUST GOING TO BE ASEXUAL FROM NOW ON SO FUCK Y'ALL.

I never understood how one could think an animated character was hot.

NOW I UNDERSTAND.

You all know where this is going to end.

...what?!

Mercedes: Where were you?
Conrad: Oh, I just left some flowers on your porch. You know, as some symbolism.
Mercedes: Symbolism of what? Our love that is going to blossom and grow?
Conrad: Uh...sure. That and I'm about to deflower you.
Mercedes: WHAT IN GOD'S NAME ARE YOU WAITING FOR?!

Wow, this couple has some amazing underwear.

Conrad: This is awesome...I'm sleeping with a barely-legal girl, I'm going to marry into a wealthy family, her dad's got a Porche, her mom's got a BMW, she's got a nice Jetta, and I've got...oh, fuck, the Saab's mine, isn't it?

(I keep ragging on the Saab, but seriously, it's done really well.)

Wes finally fought back and threw Kassidy straight through a wall.

She's a teenaged guest lecturer at a university, and yet she can't figure out birth control.

Excellent.

(I forgot that Inteen = no sex = safe sex. BUT I'M ALL UP FOR A PLOT TWIST, so we continue.)

Conrad and Mercedes had a quick wedding in the kitchen before anyone could notice she was having pre-marital sex with a man several years her elder.

Wes and Kassidy moved the hell out because I was sick of their constant fighting. Also, Kassidy frightening me.

SIDENOTE: for some reason, I found this family start-up screen to be absolutely adorable.

Conrad: Wow, your great-great-grandmother is fuckin' hot.

It finally snowed a lot, so I made Hunter go outside and build some snowmen.

Some evil snowmen, that is.

FIRST PENGUIN SIGHTING OH MY GOD

HAY GENERATION 7, WHAT'S UP?

I also made Aveline build a snowman. She froze.

And because I am a horrible sim parent, I made her finish the snowman before going inside to thaw.

And Conrad built the only friendly snowman. Perhaps it's to entice more teenage girls onto the lot.

Hunter and Emmy age!

Uh, you might wanna get some sun there, buddy.

She looks weird, but very distinguished.

At one point, I heard the "OMG SOMEONE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR" noise. I looked around but no sims came running up to slap either Mercedes or Conrad. I checked everyone's relationships, they were all normal. (except for Emmy being furious with Aveline for some reason..?) And then I checked Conrad's memories.

Uhh, dude, Diane died a long, long time ago.

Of course, you did continue to call her after her death.

Be in love with her, I don't care. Just don't do anything drastic and dig up her grave or something. O.o

Conrad: This relationship will be a lot less complicated when you grow up. Less hot, too.

But deep down inside, he loves Mercedes. I think.

Emmy: Mercedes, your husband really knows how to turn my crank.
Mercedes: I'll rent him to you for a small fee.
Conrad: Do I get any say in this?

ANOTHER BUMP THIS IS SUSPENSEFUL

Especially since I just ended the update right here.

Well, there goes my strategy of "not updating at 3AM" since it is...3:11. Wasn't that a band or something? I don't know. Anyway, check back next time for GENERATION SEVEN! Woo!

MINUTES OF THE FIRST OFFICIAL MEETING OF DUMBASSES, LTD

2007-04-10T01:18:26Z

here is where i complain about shit!

i decided to give inteen a try since woohoo teens hadn't been updated in 489353983 years and, let's face it, i'm a dirty little cheater and adore the fact that i can have my teens go spouce-hunting during their high school years.

high school. as in, still in school. not graduated.

DO YOU SEE WHERE THIS IS GOING? :|

i didn't read the userguide all the way and kind of missed the part about teens with only 7/8 days left in their lifebar "graduating" and no longer attending high school. i think it's a neat feature, but i'm just mildly annoyed because i didn't realize this...so now mercedes is moving on in her career and is a high school teacher. while she is a teenager.

...right then.

so! that was mostly a warning for anyone considering inteen to READ THE GODDAMN USERGUIDE. download the flavor paks! and other informative stuff like that! (obviously, this is not inteen's fault, but me being a stubborn idiot who NEVER READS THE DIRECTIONS TO ANYTHING.)

in other news, i will update sometime this week. i haven't had a lot of time to play. also, i am getting photoshop tomorrow, so perhaps the quality of my pictures will improve somewhat.

and now, i leave you with the latest hot gossip in the greenburg household. yes, that's right, everyone finally got over the fact that hannelore killed her grandparents! now they're hung up on...

...mischa burning food. not the fact that he had about ten girlfriends (nine of which his wife didn't know about), but the fact that he BURNED SOME FISH.

whatevs, you guys. just no more freaky michael jackson kids, plz.

GREENBURG LEGACY: generation 6, edition 2

2007-04-02T03:46:18Z

...don't worry, it'll all make sense soon enough.

Moving on, in the last update, Aveline was about to become a toddler. How did Emmy's genes affect her?

Not really at all, apparently.

Aveline Greenburg
Aries
Sloppy: 8
Shy: 10
Lazy: 4
Serious: 3
Grouchy: 1

SRSLY, she's basically a clone of Wesley, the only differences being that: A) he has 9 sloppy points, B) he has 9 lazy points, and C) he is not female.

Diane refused to sleep in the same bed as Mischa. Fortunately, they were on opposite schedules and rarely had to deal with one another.

Hunter, dude, you have ten cooking points. Cut it out.

Kassidy did this autonomously. :)

~~We find out why a little later. D:~~

Here is a rare scene: a quiet family breakfast with no adultry or arguing.

Mischa: Yeah, I screwed the maid.

Jan: I thought you looked like that type.

Jan: I want you to do me like you did the maid!
Mischa: It can be arranged, baby.
Emmy: ...right.

I told you, all Hunter and Mercedes do is play catch. I think it's really nice/cute/[positive adjective here], but they would do this in hunger/energy/bladder/etc failure.

That has to be awkward.

Conrad: You two should be best friends again.
Diane: wtf r u smokin?/

Sidenote: GET IN MY LEGACY NOW.

Mischa: I knew you'd fall head-over-heels for me again in no time.

I know every other comment is "OMG akward~" but this one really takes the socially-challenged cake.

Diane: Oh my! Look at this massive fish I caught!
Mischa: Damnit, my fish is too small.
Diane: Honey, I could have told you that years ago.
Hunter: *flips out*

(...holy shit, these comments are lame tonight.)

Lucy became quite angry when she realized that Mischa was interupting their affair by having a separate affair with someone else.

Don't hate the player, Luce, HATE THE GAME.

D: D: D:

Jan Tellerman = 8/20.

Sorry Jan, Emmy's off-limits. We're on a one Greenburg per townie rule. Unless of you're supafly or something, of course.

With that comment, it was time for Mercedes's birthday!

hay hott stuff.

She rolled knowledge with a LTW of "reach top of education career." Let's see now...no weird nose, blonde (I'm sick of dark-haired heirs), new career path...yeah, I'd say there's like an 80% chance she'll be heir.

One nice point MY ASS.

I've come to the conclusion that mean sims really aren't all that mean.

Mischa has been kind of chunky, so I had him work out. Also, I had nothing else for him to do since he's a professional party guest and only works three nights a week.

Emmy achieved her LTW hella fast.

Aveline's birthday! (Note that Conrad basically now lives with the Greenburgs.)

She reminds me a lot of Adalia (especially this picture), sans awesome personality.

Conrad autonomously kissed Diane. Right in front of Mischa. Who did not care.

Diane: I can't believe my husband would kiss another woman!

Emmy: And then Goldilocks ate the bears' porriage.
Kassidy: Those bears deserved it.

A while ago, I made a comment about not breeding for intelligence. This is exactly what I was talking about. (I checked her queue and she was trying to watch TV. You know, the ONE TV that is DOWNSTAIRS.)

...what?

Hunter: If you grow shitty fruit, Imma go all George Washington on your ass.

Aveline: You'll never catch me, you filthy cop!
Mischa: You know, I never thought of it until just now, but bank robbery sounds like it might be profitable.

I know Emmy - straight A's turn me on too!

Her new LTW was to reach the top of the adventurer career. Well, that's all fine and dandy, but I was unaware that "pirate hooker" was a career path.

I finally succeeded in getting Diane to make~~-out~~ up with Mischa.

Diane briefly considers the fact that Mischa has now slept with like five additional women and hopes he doesn't experience any burning sensations when he pees.

This is how concerned she was.

She freakin' hit-it-then-quit-it in HER OWN HOUSE. I lol'd.

She's an enigma.

Wes: Isn't my ass just FABULOUS?
Rhiannon: *looks away*
Danny Torrance: Yes! Yes, it is!
Mercedes: O.o

And then Diane died...while all the neighbors were over.

But wait...what was her last thought before death?

You dirty girl.

RIP, Diane.

Just after Grim left, the phone started ringing. Hunter answered it. It was Conrad, and this is what he had to say:

You're going to be waiting a long time, buddy.

Since Mischa was newly single, I did the only logical thing I could think of.

Start working on 9/10. We got an ugly vampire.

Mischa: Yeah, my house is pretty crazy, my son and his wife live with me.
Vampire: Oh, that's interesting.
Mischa: It can be, especially with four kids running around.
Vampire: Wait. You have a kid, and that kid has a kid?
Mischa: Yeah, four.
Vampire: That...makes you a grandfather.
Mischa: Pretty much.
Vampire: ...
Mischa: ...
Vampire: Fuck age, I'd like to suck more than your blood.
Mischa: ;D

I sent Mischa to buy some clothes for the twins' impending birthdays, when he met up with one of his former booty calls.

The old man FINALLY had a public woohoo.

No, Emmy didn't stay like this, but it occured to me a long time ago that she kind of resembles Dora from QC.

The neighbors get a free show daily.

Wes cheated at chess, and this put their relationship to the test because Kassidy always thought she had been the best. She was furious and wouldn't let it rest, and she kept poking him in the chest.

I can totally throw it down "8 Mile" style, yo.

This glitch freaked me out.

Uhhhh like really.

And then my computer crashed! So Kassidy was removed from permanent-chess-mode.

It's probably been said before, but "playing in the tub" practically translates into "heir." Especially since...oh, you'll see.

Emmy ended up on the bomb squad or something. I thought the house caught fire until I realized it was her.

Hunter: I'll pay you to stop being mad at your brother.
Kassidy: I'M NOT LISTENING

Wes: Let's not be friends.

I'm pretty sure he's a little young for that sort of behavior.

Emmy: Bye kids, have a nice day at school!
Aveline: Bye Mommy!
Kassidy: See you later, Mom!
Wes: Bye bye!
Mercedes: Bye! Oh, by the way, how soon were you planning on having grandkids?
Emmy: Bye--WHAT?

I accidentally left Mischa on the treadmill for 8437 hours. Surprisingly enough, he didn't start a fire AND got really fit.

Oh, shit.

This looks like a scene out of a really bad action film/porno. I mean, we have the hot, topless guy fighting to save his elderly father, a less-hot firefighter, and the housekeeper in the French maid's outfit. It would be called something like "Flames of Passion" or "In the Heat of the Night." (This is not to be confused with the, in my opinion, awful American cop show.)

Emmy is essentially a live-in repairwoman. The only time I actually call the repair service is if something electrical breaks.

Time for the twins' birthdays!

Awkward central. He rolled popularity with a LTW of becoming mayor.

And here's Kassidy:

Oops, sorry, wrong screen shot.

Not like it made much of a difference, anyway.

Oddly enough, she rolled romance with a LTW of...wait for it...reach the top of the music career.

*cue creepy music*

Now, remember how I sent Mischa out BEFORE her birthday to buy clothes?

I bought her an outfit with one fucking glove.

I died so hard that this is actually my ghost updating from beyond the grave.

Kassidy is still pissed at Wes.

Kassidy: I'm the princess of pop, you know.
Mercedes: GTFO

O.o

I have to be honest...if I was a guy, I'd be a little concerned about the sharpness of her teeth.

I wouldn't be surprised if the neighbors were constantly glued to their windows.

Wes: I heard they're making a new law to lower the age of consent.
Shannon: Really, that's very interesting. *slowly bends over*
Mischa: *STARES*
Judyth: *glare*

Mischa: Remember that time I rode you while wearing pink heels?
Shannon: How could I forget? We re-enacted half of Rocky Horror.
Judyth: *glare*

Mischa: You know, I'd love to have a threesome with you two, but I would probably go to jail.
Shannon: OHHH but I won't tell anyone. D:
Judyth: *glare*

Mischa: Man, this is just awkward.
Shannon: Yeah. I really hate you, Judyth.
Judyth: :)
Shannon: What was that?!
Judyth: *glare*

Wes: Hey baby, how's it goin'?

Judyth: Ugh, I'm so sick of Greenburg men.

I don't think you're going to score any dates if you can't even jump off the diving board.

I missed the action, but Shannon stole Judyth's dinner and ate it.

After realizing that Mischa cannot date her because ~~inTeen hasn't been updated for seasons yet~~ he knows it's wrong, she moves on to the younger Greenburg men.

RUN AWAY JUDYTH, RUN AWAY!

She might be tired of the Greenburg men, but apparently, she hasn't had enough of the Greenburg women yet.

...I'm confused.

Hunter: YEAH! RAISE THE ROOF, Y'ALL!
Mercedes: ...please stop.

Shannon skipped school to stay at the Greenburg's until about 3PM. She also randomly ate their food. O.o

(this update contains a lot of "O.o" ...yet, it's completely necessary.)

Mischa has one last frolic in the leafs before...

Grimmy comes for him.

With the amount of deaths the neighbors have witnessed, I'm surprised anyone even bothers coming over anymore.

And we shall end with a shot of the new graves.

Aaaand that's it! Check back again for Aveline's birthday and...whatever else happens when I play next. :P

HAY EVERY1, CHECK THE TIME I'M POSTING THIS

2007-03-26T07:42:13Z

DAMN STRAIGHT, IT'S 3:39 IN THE MORNING.

anyway, before i went to bed, i thought that i should check something very important that i have been thinking about. the question has been raised before, but i can't find an answer: what breed of cat is seriouscat? do certain cats make that face? was it just a freak expression?

so i dogpiled it.

SEHEN SIE DAS AN! ICH BIN BEKANNT.

...or, maybe i just don't know how to spell and got way too over-excited. WHATEVS.